I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRABadWifie89

I (30F) cheated on my husband (27M), and now I suspect he's seeing another woman

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice &  r/Marriage

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TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, emotional manipulation, retaliation

I (30F) cheated on my husband (27M) he's taking it well but I feel he resents me Feb 25, 2024

I know I did something awful and disgusting, and when I couldn't take the guilt anymore I cut off my affair partner and confessed everything to my husband.

He got more upset and depressed than angry, and I begged for him to not divorce me. I proposed counseling, therapy, even allowing him to have sex with other women, but he wasn't interested. He said he wanted to try to work us out and I jumped in being the best wife a man can ask for.

I cook his favorite dishes, leave him loving notes, and bought new lingerie to entice him. His reactions are lukewarm at best. He smiles and thanks me, but not once he has said he loves me since I have confessed. He barely initiates anything and I basically have to push myself on him, not that he complains.

Sometimes we talk about this, but I think I still lost the man I love. His behavior with me feels very artificial and nothing changes his facade: I can be playful, I can be sad, I can get angry and I can get seductive, his reaction is always this stupid smile and polite words.

He was so emotional and sincere before all of this happened. I want him to let out his true emotions with me, even if he hates me. I still love him so much. What can I do to fix this?

TL;dr I cheated on my husband. He didn't get angry and is always kind with me, but I feel he's become indifferent to me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Independent_Farm_628

OP

Is this a troll post?

If not, please share some details. How long have you been together and how long was the affair? Who is the other man? Coworker?

OOP

We have been married for five years, my affair lasted a couple of months and it was with a client 

Independent_Farm_628

Ok thank you. What do you mean by cutting off the affair? Is this person still a client? Do you have to have business contact with him?

Are you seeing a therapist? Do you know why you strayed?

OOP

I ended my relationship with the client and passed his contract to a coworker, no contact ever since. I have beeing doing individual therapy.

I don't know why I did all this my body felt like it was on autopilot

Original Post  March 23, 2024

He knows I cheated. We didn't separate and I begged him to not divorce and let me fix this. He agreed but his behavior since my confession has basically been one of indifference. Like I wrote on my last post, I do my best to be the best wife he  could ask for: I cook his favorite foods, get him gifts, screw his brains out every night.

He just smiles and thanks me. He acts kind and never yells at me, but I feel his icy indifference under that mask of courtesy. Two weeks ago he started coming home late. Very late. And when he does he just goes to bed. I asked him what's going on, and he told me in the kindest way possible that it's not my business.

I call him when he stays out and he picked up only once. I heard a woman laughing in the background. I am starting to think he is cheating back on me. It fucking hurts. If he told me at least I would do my best to stomach it, I deserve this after all. But he won't tell me, he just shuts me out. A common friend told me she spotted him in a car with a woman she didn't recognize and this felt like a stab in the heart. She said she couldn't describe her exactly because she wore big sunglasses, but she recognized my husband because of his particular taste in neckties. They were talking, but my friend said that from their position it looked like they were holding their hands or one of them was touching the other's lap.

I don't know what to do. If he is having an affair I deserve it, but I need to know. The uncertainty is killing me. Should I confront him? Should I try to find out more?

Update  March 26, 2024

He left me. I did like you guys said and begged him to talk to me. He didn't want to but I cried and yelled so much I puked all over.

He got softer with me, he helped me clean up and we talked. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he said he was talking with someone, but didn't do anything with her. I asked if she was the woman my friend saw him with,he thought on it a little but said no, it was another woman whom he met a month ago in his office.

I asked him how could he and said I gave him permission, and he didn't do anything besides unloading his problems and our situation with her. But he played it like he was having a full affair so I could feel what he felt, especially because according to him I neglected him and made it obvious I was cheating on him. He said he was suffering and I was almost rubbing it in his face, I told him I wasn't doing it on purpose and he said this was even worse because I didn't care at all.

He said that everything I did after confessing meant nothing and just made him think I am selfish, self-centered and lack any sort of self-respect. I asked him if we could work on myself and our marriage, but he said we can have counseling to sort ourselves out, but the marriage is over.

He said he wishes no ill on me, and decided to cut his charade because he could no longer bear to the woman he once loved suffer like that. But he said I am no longer that woman. I started sobbing again and he held me, but he kept saying no when I asked him we work this out.

I asked him what he was going to do and he's moving out, he already found a new place. I asked him if he was going to live with that woman and he said he, but she was close enough. I asked him how he could pick a total stranger he met a month ago over his wife of five years. He said his wife of five years no longer exists, he has to pick between two strangers, and that woman made a much better impression on him. I told him he was a fool and he could not know this woman will probably use and dump him, he got harsh and said she's better than me for sure.

He said he won't say to our families our marriage ended because I cheated, but because we grew apart and that he will leave the house to me as long as I make the divorce smooth. But if I try to take him to the cleaners, drag it out, or cause any problem he will tell everyone what I did and "destroy" me and my reputation.

This happened yesterday and he has already packed up almost everything. I can't stop crying and I can't believe this is happening. This is horrible and unfair.

RELEVANT COMMENT

One last comment from OOP

You guys are right saying that I suck. But he has fault too, he never really wanted to fix this. He used me for months and then discarded me.

And yet I want him back and forgive and forget all the hurt we done to each other. As for his girl, I don't think she will be good for him. 

Got served divorce papers today  Apr 11, 2024

This feels like a nightmare, I keep telling myself it's not real and I am going to wake up.

My husband moved out two weeks ago, ostensibly to live with another woman. But I kept eye and eats on him, had some friends tell me his going-ons and seemingly there was no other woman at all. I thought, I hoped he was just collecting his thoughts and that he would come back to me.

But today he did it. He had me served. I don't want to believe he is done with us. I love him so much, and I miss him every day.

NEW UPDATE

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I (30F) cheated on my husband (27M), and now I suspect he's seeing another woman, I'm realizing I did everything wrong  May 5, 2024

My husband and I are getting divorced because of my infidelity, and I realized I could have tried to salvage our marriage if I did differently after I confessed.

Instead my behavior just pushed him away further and resulted in us getting divorced. We have talked a couple of times since he moved out and I got served, he says that if I keep this level of civility we can keep talking and not have to go esclusively through lawyers for communication, although we have to for the divorce.

I apologized for everything I have done and as much as I don't want a divorce, I will go along with anything he wants to demonstrate I do love him, and even after the divorce my door will always be open for him. He said he actually believes me and although he's not changing his mind about our divorce, he wishes for me to find happiness.

He wanted to leave me the house but I don't want it due to the memories, so we agreed to sell it off. My lawyer tried to talk me into pursuing all kinds of stuff from my husband and get more, I just told them I don't want that and I can find another lawyer if he wants to pursue that path.

I am taking time off work for myself and although I am not better, it helps to feel a less sucky. I heard from the grapevine that my husband is indeed in a new relationship, and at this point I just hope this woman is making him happy and helping him heal.

As for myself, I just want to focus on my new life and rebuilding what I can.

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