I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRARoyalMess

I (36F) found out that my husband (38M) has a Camilla (42F).

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, homophobia, possible infidelity, emotional abuse, neglect

Original Post  Feb 12, 2024

I've been married to my husband for two years now. It's a first marriage for both of us. His family has been very good to me, they immediately accepted me, welcomed me in, started including me in family events, really made it not even a second thought to say yes when he proposed after a year of us being together. 

I noticed on social media that there are always likes from a teenage boy on posts that he puts up about me. I thought it was a bit weird that he's friends with a teenager, so I looked through the photos I could see on his profile. 

There are a few with my husband from about 8-10 years ago as well as another woman. When I asked my husband, he said that the boy is his ex-girlfriend's son. He explained that they were very serious but that she had ended up getting married to someone else. 

This seemed odd to me, so I asked my MIL about her the next time I saw her. My MIL rolled her eyes and said, "Don't even mention Val. I am so glad that you came along, because that girl was so bad for him. She was unemployed, a single mother, and just very trashy. We never would have accepted her." 

I am very successful career wise and well established, my family is very prominent in the community and well regarded. The more I thought about it, the more it really felt like my background had more to do with things than anything.  

I asked my husband about Val again and asked if he would have married her if not for his family. He said that one of the biggest reasons she chose someone else was because his family refused to accept her. When I asked what was different about me, he responded, "She was Camilla and you're Diana." 

I asked him if that meant he would marry her if anything happened to me. He shook his head, laughed, and said I was being ridiculous and that he didn't think like that. 

I told him I wanted him to remove and block his ex and her son from his social media immediately and to stop communicating with them. He's told me that he has a cordial relationship with both of them and that he doesn't feel it's fair of me to ask him to cut them out. 

Is there a good way for me to deal with this knowledge? I'm losing sleep over the fact that I feel like a placeholder that is there to please his family and that he'll go back to her once his parents are gone. I'm starting to doubt every interaction I ever had with him. When I bring it up to him, he gets upset and tells me to stop dwelling on his past. I wish that I'd never known this because I feel like all of my happiness has been drained. 

Is there a good way to approach this?

Tl; Dr Found out that I am the Diana to my husband's Camilla and I don't know what to do. I feel like my whole marriage has been shattered.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

4459691

OP how long ago did they break up?  It sounds like he caved into family pressure and broke up w her?  Or she broke up w him

OOP

They broke up nine years ago, she dated someone else, married him, and has since divorced. From what I understand, she started seeing this other person because he wouldn't commit to her.

Update  March 4, 2024 (3 weeks later)

Original Post 

Thank you to everyone who responded to my previous post. A lot has gone down since I posted, and not much of it has been good to be honest. I'm starting to wish that I'd let well enough alone, but I guess I'm stuck now.  

So I sat down with my husband and told him that this whole Val thing was really bothering me, that I'd never heard her name before for someone he held in such high regard. He explained that she had cheated on him and had married the guy she cheated with. They stopped speaking for a while but they started being cordial again as she was having problems in her marriage and through her divorce. He swears on his life that there's only friendship there, that he can't ever forgive her, and that he has no interest in her romantically anymore. We share location history on our phones, and have cameras on our house, so I know he's not lying about seeing her. 

My husband was my first in a lot of ways. Everything except my first kiss. So I tend to be a bit more jealous than others. My husband has more of a past and it makes me very uncomfortable even though I know it's a reality that I have to accept. I'm also diagnosed as on the autism spectrum, so I tend to be socially awkward and miss certain cues, which caused me not to really have close relationships up until him. 

I was over at my parents' house telling my mother about Val. She kept telling me not to worry, that everyone has a past, and that he obviously chose me. Little background, my father is a girl dad. I'm the third of four girls. He's been my protector my whole life, and he will go after anyone that hurts me. Dad overheard mom and me, and came into the kitchen. 

"Are you serious right now? He's talking to Val again? I'm going to * him!"

I asked my father how he knew about Val. I looked at my mother and she was looking at him with a horrified look. He said he overheard us, and it's not right for him to talk to other women. They tried to talk around it but I demanded an answer and they finally relented. 

My mother admitted that they had arranged my marriage. We'd been seeing each other for a month and I met his parents. Shortly after, his mother called mine, explained about Val, how they were afraid he would go back to her, and how they wanted to do everything they could to make sure that their son married the right girl. I asked my mother why she agreed, and she admitted that they were afraid I was gay and that I wouldn't ever have children.  She said that's why my husband was immediately invited to every holiday. That's why he was introduced to multiple relatives  in a very short time. That's why they referred to him as family before he proposed. They were trying to set the tone in my mind. 

My head was spinning. I told them I had to go and I couldn't talk to them anymore. I drove home and felt like I couldn't breathe. I walked into our house and told my husband everything. 

He laughed. He actually laughed. He told me that he'd figured it out a while ago and thought I had too. He told me that his parents paid for me to go on vacation with them, they made a point of getting everyone in the family to share how much they liked me, they gave him "extra" gift certificates to take me out to dinner and other events, his mother cleaned his apartment and did all of his laundry while he was at work so his nights and weekends were free for me, when he said he was going to save the money for a ring they gave it to him, and they kept telling him what a good match I was for him. He asked his parents while we were engaged if it had been the plan to keep him away from Val, and his mother admitted that it had been. 

He told me that he fell in love with me while we were together, what he feels for me is real, and that he loves the life we have together. He said it doesn't matter how it started because what we have is strong and real. 

I don't know how I feel. I can't even talk to anyone because I'm apparently the only person who didn't know this happened. I feel like such an idiot, I am furious with his parents for doing this, furious with mine for going along with it, and hurt that he didn't tell me the truth once he figured it out. 

I do not know if I want a divorce. My husband has been trying very hard to be supportive of me. I've told him I don't feel like talking. He keeps asking me if he can get me anything and asking me little questions to try to get me to talk, but I can't even get my feelings straight right now. I feel betrayed by every person who is supposed to care about me and I have no idea what the hell to do now. 

Tl;Dr Husband is not having an affair. I am in an arranged marriage and I am the only one who didn't realize it. Our parents suck.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

mak_zaddy

Wow. Just wow. This is some Truman show level betrayal. I’m sorry friend. If I could I would give you the biggest hug.

OOP

I need a hug. I've felt like I want to throw up since I found out.

~

tlf555

This is a lot to deal with.  Sorry you are having to deal with this fallout.

I'm not from a culture where arranged marriages are a norm, so please forgive my ignorance on any protocols.

1) I blame your parents, most of all.  Knowing this man's history and still trying to make you marry him because they thought you were gay?  Even if you were gay, wouldn't that be all the more reason not to arrange a marriage ? 

2) Is there an "out clause" of acceptable reasons for divorce or annulment in your culture?   Would your family support you, if you decided to do this?  If not, are you able to be financially self sufficient?

OOP

"I'm not from a culture where arranged marriages are a norm, so please forgive my ignorance on any protocols."

Nor am I! I was the last of my siblings to get married and up until that point I had never seriously dated anyone. 

My parents are conservative white Christian Republicans. There are few things worse that I could be to them. 

My husband and I both make six figures. Money is not an issue at all. For the first time in my life I told someone I loved him and believed I had actually built something real with someone. Was it all a lie? Is this all some sick joke on me? Am I only good as someone's placeholder?

~

Texas_sucks15

this sounds like a horror/thriller movie tbh. Also, why is he so prone to have a relationship with camilla's child? is it his?

OOP

The child predates their relationship. They did not know each other when he was born.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP