I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ithinkshesupset

I [27M] hurt the feelings of my girlfriend's[28F] sister [21F] while I was performing stand up. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me.

TRIGGER WARNING: verbal abuse, property destruction, sexist language

Original Post  May 24, 2015

I'm a somewhat successful 27 year old comic working my way up in the comedy scene in the city I'm living in. I'm dating a 28 year old woman from here and she is very supportive of my career as I am with her's. She has a 21 year old little sister that I think is a spoiled sorority brat, but I very rarely see her, so I pay her very little mind. Just the other night, I was performing at a comedy club and my girlfriend was coming to watch me perform. The night before the show, she informed me that her little sister was coming to the show with some friends. To me, this news was a possible red flag.

To give some background, my girlfriend comes from a pretty affluent background where ritzy vacations and luxuries were the norm whereas I come from quite the opposite. I come from a large family where we had to wear the busted pair of shoes for a little bit longer until the money was finally scraped together. For a lot of people, this difference could be a little intimidating, but it's never been a big issue. She is very level-headed, works hard, and never looks down on others not as fortunate as her or her family. Her sister, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. She goes to a university that is completely paid for, has all the niceties, and lets you know when you don't. She can get rude with people quite easily, especially when she's dealing with someone working a low pay job or someone that she views as lower in status. Now, I've only acted as a silent observer to her behavior because I've only seen her a handful of times and I quite frankly didn't want to deal with her. When my girlfriend told me she was coming to watch me perform, I grew pretty alarmed. The people that I work with (and most of the comedy crowd, for that matter) is a pretty working class group of people. They deal with hard truths and can laugh when they are made fun of. Whenever my girlfriend's sister gets put in similar situations, she definitely does not have the same reaction. In fact, she handles it just about as well as Vince Wilfork finding out the buffet closed. I also went with her and my girlfriend to a small concert at a bar and she was rude and disrespectful to the performers the whole time.

I told my girlfriend my concerns about her sister coming: she wouldn't enjoy herself, she would make a scene, or she would interrupt another comic's set (the ultimate sin). My girlfriend said it wouldn't be a problem. I buckled and said that she could come, but I would not be held liable for whatever happened in the club. I tend to be playful when shutting down hecklers but I know the three other comics performing and they are definitely not. I have a three strike rule, but they swing like god damned Sammy Sosa on the first pitch. She agreed and that was that until the next day.

We met the sister and friends beforehand and went to the club. The first comic was a lady I know and she was spot on that night. She's by no means a pretty woman, so the girls started making sly comments to each other about it until I told them to cut it out, which they did. I then went backstage to the green room, but from the little bits I saw and heard, they were on fairly good behavior. Then my set happened.

My first six or seven minutes started out really well. The crowd was great and I felt in the zone. I then started working through a bit about North Face being tacky and this proved to be the catalyst for the sister and her friends. They started talking loudly in the back to which I told them to stop. I looked to my girlfriend to corral them in and provide some silent reinforcements. Those reinforcements never came.

About two minutes later, I was working through a piece about being hairy to which the sister made a comment. At this point, I noticed she and her friends had put down quite a few drinky poos so basically I started making fun of them being sloppy drunks. This shut them up for a little bit. I then had a piece about my mom to which the little sister basically made a loud comment about my mom being a slut. She threw he third pitch and I choked up on the bat and began to swing away like Joaquin Phoenix in a room full of Marvin the Martians. I called her out for being a petulant rich girl, made fun of her appearance, and ended up calling her "Cunt Drunkula." The crowd was really into it, so I was eventually able to cut off the set with some grace but I was livid. When the crowd left and the lights went up, the sister came up to me and started getting in my face. I walked back into he green room and asked he bouncer to take care of it and she eventually left with her friends.

As I saw my girlfriend afterwards, she seemed a little upset. I told her that I was furious that she didn't help me out with controlling her sister. She asked why I was so upset whenever the set went so well (I think there was a little passive aggression in the question). I told her that even though that set went well, if a heckler catches me on a night where I'm not on my game, it fucks my entire performance. We eventually cut the conversation and drove home.

The next day, my girlfriend's sister left a message for my girlfriend in tears about how the night went. She was upset at the things I said and wanted an apology. I told my girlriend that was not going to happen and I deserved an apology. Even though the sister doesn't view what I do as a "job," that is my livelihood. If I pulled a similarly disruptive stunt in someone else's place of work, I would most likely be arrested. My girlfriend did not take to this well and hasn't talked to me for the last two days besides small talk at dinner. I think she may be upset about the "rich girl" comments I made to her sister. To be honest, I do get a little resentful when I hear the stories of my girlfriend's life of affluence growing up, but I never bring this up and I never try to make her feel pity for the way I grew up.

My question is, what should be the next course of action? I refuse to even look at her sister until she brings an apology with her, but I love my girlfriend and not talking to her is killing me. How should I handle this nightmare of a situation?

   tl;dr: Girlfriend's sister heckled me while I was performing standup, I went nuclear on her ass, and now girlfriend won't speak to me.

Edit: I'm sitting down this afternoon to talk to my girlfriend about the whole thing when she gets back from lunch. Her tone seemed fairly neutral on the phone, so I'm just playing it by ear until then.

Update  May 27, 2015

Just a little clarification on my last post, at the show I didn't use any personal information while stopping my girlfriend's sister from heckling, I just used what was visible. I didn't even mention that I knew her. I also should have mentioned that this show I was doing was a big deal for me. This venue I was at is the kind of place you perform at and then shortly afterwards start receiving calls to do televised comedy specials. If I went overboard with the comments, it's because if I lost the crowd in this show, that could have been really bad for my career. That's not to excuse what I said or how I said it, just some background.

So, a lot has happened since my last post about the aftermath of my girlfriend's sister visiting my comedy show. On Monday, I was returning back to my apartment after doing a spot for a radio station. As I walked back in, I saw that my girlfriend's dad was there and waiting to talk with me. He had stopped by to say hello to my girlfriend, but apparently his real reason for stopping by was to talk to me. He's normally a pretty even-keeled guy, but he was definitely miffed that day. Basically, he wanted to talk with me about what went down at the comedy club the previous week. We sat down in the dining room and I could tell this discussion would be a long one.

My girlfriend's sister told him about the show, and he was justifiably upset that I called his daughter a cunt. I stayed cool and just told him that I wasn't saying it to intentionally hurt his daughter's feelings, I was simply trying to get back control of my show and the audience. He kept on about how awful that was and it sounded like he didn't get the whole story from his daughter. I asked him if I could give my side of the story just so he had some frame of reference, to which he let me. I told him about her interrupting and heckling numerous times after my initial concerns. I said that I had gotten carried away with my choice of words, but I had to do that in order to keep the crowd. I didn't pose this as an excuse, just where I was coming from. He wasn't as upset, but he still was angry. He started hounding me about my line of work and what kind of job makes you call people that.

Now, I think this line of questions stemmed from some deep negative feelings about my career as a comic. We ventured onto that topic fairly soon. I told him that I get it. It's not the most traditional or stable job. My girlfriend went to a very prestigious university and her friends are getting married to doctors, lawyers, and executives and having lovely families. There is nothing wrong with those people, their professions, or their way of life, but that's just not me. It seemed that my girlfriend's father thought that I just performed some standup every now and then and just farted around all day. I told him about what I really do and how I prepare. I spend a lot of time writing for some small magazines and newspapers, I do comedy spots at radio stations, and I do comedy and improv lessons. If I'm not doing that, I'm writing my own stuff or a myriad of other performance related tasks.

After this he seemed to back off a whole bunch, but he still was pretty upset about the "Cunt Drunkula" comment. I explained that the remark was definitely heavy-handed, but it would not have been said if there was no heckling. I also explained that I would be getting in contact with the sister soon to talk about the events of that evening. He seemed to like that course of action and left shortly afterwards. I still don't think my girlfriend's dad thinks super highly of my career, but I feel like that was the best face to face conversation we've had and he at least now knows that I work hard and am passionate about my career. He also wasn't completely pacified, but that's alright, I can work on that after all this stuff.

After this, my girlfriend and I got a chance to talk about the evening at the comedy club. I said that I'm sorry for going so nuclear on her sister. She said that she wasn't mad about this or even the use of the word "cunt", but the negative comments I made about her sister being being a rich girl. She wanted to know if I felt the same way about her. I told her that while I do seem to have an inferiority complex when it comes to people from wealthy backgrounds, I view her as the woman that I love, not Cruella de Vil. I also apologized if my comments made her feel undervalued, that was not my intent. She asked me some more specifics about my upbringing and I told her a little more in detail. She asked me if I thought about counseling to work through some of these issues and I said that I'd be down for that (Let's face it, a comedian is only as good his shrink). I'm scheduled for a few appointments in the upcoming weeks. If I can get the counselor to laugh, that's a win for me.

She apologized for not getting her sister to be quiet during the set. She said the whole thing seemed like a nightmare and she kinda froze up when her sister started yelling. I told her that I accepted her apology and offered to meet with her sister soon to go over the events of the evening. She seemed happy about that and this weekend we'll both be meeting her sister over lunch. So far, it seems like a lot of these issues are slowly but surely getting resolved through some solid communication. Now we'll just see how the meeting with the sister goes. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated.

   tl;dr: I talked with girlfriend's father about the comments, then with my girlfriend. While not everything is completely perfect, there seems to be a lot more understanding from all parties, myself included. Will be meeting shortly with girlfriend's sister.

Final Update  July 26, 2015

Sorry about taking forever to reply, I got crazy busy over these last couple of months. When I last left off, I was set to meet up with my girlfriend's sister, which we did.

So, my girlfriend and I met up in the parking lot of this restaurant. I had just finished a writing session at a magazine office and she had just finished with work. We make our way to the restaurant and sit down. The sister is already there and waiting. We sit down and attempt to start some small talk, but she's noticeably upset. As we're looking through the menu, her father comes into the restaurant and sits down at our table. This caught me way off guard. We sit awkwardly for about five minutes until I eventually say, "alright, let's get this out on the table. Look, sister, the other night I called you a name that was pretty harsh. I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt, but you heckled me during my set.  That is extremely rude. It would be like if I came to your job and started throwing around your materials while you were working."

I was gonna go on and ask for an apology until my girlfriend's dad piped up and said to me, "are you not gonna even apologize?" I looked at my girlfriend who was kinda shying away from the whole scene and looked back at him and said, "No, I'm not. This was a huge opportunity for me and if she would thrown me off my game, it could have seriously messed up my career." The sister began to talk about how embarrassed I made her in front of her friends and how the c-word was so offensive. At this point, my girlfriend also said, "Yeah, you didn't have to be that rude," to me.

I was flabbergasted. I thought she was going to back me up  on this. I thought we had agreed on how shitty her sister's behavior was. For the next ten minutes or so, I was somewhat speechless (which for me is a rarity) as they told me how out of line I was. My girlfriend wasn't super vocal, but she still jumped in occasionally. It got to a point where I eventually said, "This is ridiculous. I didn't come here to be lectured. I'm leaving." I left the restaurant and drove home. My girlfriend called me from and tried to get me to come back. I replied, "There's no way I'm going back to that lion's den. I want to talk about this when you get back home."

About an hour later, she arrives at the apartment. I ask her, "What the hell was that?" She went on tell me how when she talked to her sister and parents and realized that what I said was really mean and I should've been more apologetic. I thought there was an understanding all around, but I was way wrong. We'd never had any big time disagreements or discussions, but that night, we had it out.

I guess she was beginning to feel some pretty big resentment about my career. She had just gotten a promotion recently and she said she lied to her coworkers about my job to not feel embarrassed. This blew me away. I asked her straight up, "Do I embarrass you?" She said, "Yes." At this point, I grabbed my things and left for a friend's house. I was too upset to stay the evening.  

I went back two days later and for the next week or so, we barely talked. Then one evening, she asked to talk to me. She said, "Look, I think I've came to the realization that we are two wildly different people and I don't think we can reconcile that. I think it'd be best if we broke up." My first thought was to say no, but as I began to think about it more, she was right. I wasn't exactly what she was looking for and I don't want to be with someone that feels embarrassed around me. I spent the next two weeks looking for a place and moved out.

The whole thing went down really civilly. She gave me time to get my things in order. I am not mad at her, she has every right to not date me. I hope she's not mad at me, but if she is, oh well. Obviously dating someone is fun, but being single is also nice because I can focus more on my writing and career which I think is really starting to take off. So in a way, it's not a happy ending, but it is a happy ending.

tl;dr: Went to dinner with girlfriend to confront her sister, dad showed up and they dog-piled on me. I left, girlfriend and I fought later that evening and eventually broke up a week later. I'm on my own now and excited for whatever's next.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP