I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway5434531

Husband doesn't want me to play with black men, is this weird?

Originally posted to r/Swingers

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism

Original Post June 27, 2021

I've created a throwaway account for obvious reasons - I don't want myself or my husband to be judged, but I need some advice and can't ask friends or family.

Husband (34) and I (31) have been together for 8 years, married for 5 and have been in the lifestyle for nearly a year. We started slow but have had full swaps with three separate couples now and haven't experienced any major issues.

I do all the searching for new couples as I'm more picky and we both prefer it this way and I recently started talking to a new couple online that seemed perfect. A couple of years older than us (which is fine), not too far away and they both just seem really cool. She looks quite similar to me and is definitely my husbands type, however the other husband is quite different to my usual type: he's a black guy. I'm not fetishising at all, he's attractive and we've been getting along. When I told my husband he was initially enthusiastic but changed when he saw pictures of the other couple.

At first he said he just wasn't into them etc. and was quite vague - but when I dug a bit deeper he eventually said that he wasn't racist, but he just didn't want me to have sex with a black man. I then made the stupid mistake of showing that I was shocked by this and basically said wtf? Unfortunately he then closed up and just said we both have a veto, he's vetoing this couple and doesn't want to discuss it, he said we both have to be into it etc.

This is obviously true and I'm not going to insist on it, but I am really surprised as he has never expressed anything like this before - he's the most liberal, open minded progressive person I know. Also, I know people are probably going to assume it's about penis size - however one of the husbands we played with previously was very large and my husband had no problem, in fact we've played several times since.

Firstly, am I overreacting by thinking this is racist and wrong? Do any other guys have this preference for their wives who could shed light on why you feel this way? And how do I get him to talk about this without being defensive? Sorry it's a long and ramble one but my mind is racing a bit.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP WHEN TOLD HER HUSBAND IS RACIST FOR HIS "PREFERENCES"

Thank you for this response - I do feel bad about how disrespectful it is but I just really wanted to get some advice and your post has opened my eyes to how awful my husband is being.

To play devils advocate though - would you think it was racist if it was just about attraction? I haven't had an in depth conversation with him yet but I intend to later and I imagine this will be his response, so I want to be prepared. I, for example, would probably feel weird if he was sleeping with a 90 year old woman - not because of hatred for old people, but because I just wouldn't find her attractive at all and to see my husband having sex with her would gross me out even though I'm not having sex with her myself.

This isn't a perfect analogy but I think you'll see my point - if he just doesn't find black people attractive and therefore doesn't want to see his wife with a black guy, would this still be racist and what should my response be if he says this? Thanks again for any help/advice.

OOP ON IF HER HUSBAND IS RACIST

Sleeping with this guy is not that important to me - I think we'll just keep swinging but from now on I will only pick white couples. It was more that I was surprised at how someone who is usually liberal etc. has suddenly admitted to this weird racist problem and I was wondering if this is a common thing in the lifestyle. So far only one or two have said they feel the same way, so it's not that common (or people just wont admit to feeling this way). I'm definitely going to talk to him to try and dig deeper and find out why he feels this way.

Update June 28, 2021

Not sure if anyone even cares about an update but I thought I'd provide one anyway since so many took the time to give their opinion/advice.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who gave their perspective - I couldn't respond to everyone but I have read every comment and taken into account everyone's thoughts/feelings. There was obviously a split of opinion but generally I think most think my husband is racist to some extent. One or two people did admit to having similar feelings and I did get a few private messages from women who have been told the same by their husband - so I guess this is relatively common, sadly.

I spoke with my husband this morning to try and see if I could get a better understanding of why he feels this way. I tried to seem non-judgmental and like I just wanted to understand why he felt the way he did and like it wasn't a big deal - because I didn't want him to close up. However, I think the combination of it being an awkward topic and my reaction yesterday meant that he wasn't really willing to give any further information - he basically just said it was about physical attraction.

I tried to make the point that it was me having sex with the guy and not him so he doesn't need to find him attractive. He basically said it was a turn off for him to see me with a guy that he finds actively unattractive - he said he would veto a white guy that he thought was very unattractive as well. I tried to make the point that a commenter made on my original post that he hasn't met every black guy and can't say they're all unattractive - I also tried to make the point that race is a social construct etc. but this kind of just confused both of us to be honest. He basically said that even though black people all look different from one individual to another, he can see if someone is black or white by looking at them and therefore it's not just a social construct - he just doesn't find them sexually attractive.

We basically just left it there - but in my heart I believe there is more to it. I honestly think he would view me differently if I had sex with a black guy - like his innocent white princess is somehow tainted. It makes me feel sick typing that but that is honestly what I think is happening in his mind. I don't feel particularly constrained by just being able to play with white guys so I'm not going to push this issue any more. I also like having the veto over who he plays with and wouldn't want to do something that would make him uncomfortable anyway. However, it has definitely opened my eyes to the fact that my husband is not as progressive as I thought and I am quite disappointed in him.

***Second update: Just wanted to post another quick update to thank everyone again for their advice/opinions - I think it's generated quite an interesting conversation about preferences/racism. I haven't brought it up with my husband again as I don't see the point, he said he finds the idea of me sleeping with a black guy a turn off and doesn't want me to play with them - and I don't want constant arguments to drive a wedge between us. Ultimately, this has to be fun for both of us and we both have to be into it, so I'm going to take his preferences on board. Provided that no racial bias shows up in any other aspect of our life - I'm just going to leave this issue alone and move on. Thanks again for all the comments, I did read them all even if I couldn't reply to them all. I probably won't post any more updates now as I think this issue is settled.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP ON HER HUSBANDS VIEW AND VETO POWER

He explicitly said he doesn't want me to have sex with a black guy - he said he will veto all black guys.

OOP WHEN ASKED IF ITS ABOUT STEREOTYPES CONCERNING BBC

That's true I suppose. I just assumed the BBC thing is basically guys who are worried that a black guy will be bigger and therefore better (in their mind) and that's why I 'wont go back'. My husband genuinely gets off on me enjoying myself and so I don't think it's that he's worried I'll have too much fun - I think he is just repulsed by the idea for some reason.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP