I am not The OOP, OOP is u/strawberry_cheese237

I (22F) found out my family is hiding my fiancé's (M23) affair with my best friend (F23). How do I confront my family, fiancé, and best friend?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Thank you PitaEnigma for bringing this to the discord BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, emotional manipulation, suicide attempt, verbal abuse, self harm

Original Post Oct 11, 2023

I (22F) need some serious advice on how to navigate any of this. I found out a week ago that basically my entire family has been helping my fiancé (M23) hide his affair with my best friend (23F). I created this account because I honestly have no one else to tell this too honestly. So my brain figured internet strangers would be best. None of my family and friends have reddit (thank the stars). For extra emotional context, me and my fiancé have been together since 8th grade. (on and off until 2020)

I do apologize if this gets long, but it so much to unpack and I just want to refresh myself with everything I have. As well as figure out the best way to confront my family, best friend, and fiancé with at least some dignity. Here are names and ages for context for everyone involved:

​

Richard = Half-brother (26)

Maria = Half-Sister (27)

Angie = My mom (56)

Peach = Best Friend (soon to be ex-best friend)

Alex = My fiancé (soon to be ex)

​

So, a week ago Alex was taking a shower and had left his phone on our bed. Me and my fiancé have a open phone policy seeing as we both struggled with getting cheated on in past relationships. (Go figure seeing my situation.) I was packing my suitcase for a family trip that is happening after my rehearsal dinner tomorrow. I heard his phone keep going off. He yelled from our shower if I could mute his phone. I went to get his phone and saw that it was Peach calling him. I was curious at first, but seeing as she's part of my bridal party, I didn't find it too suspicious. I muted the phone and soon messaged Peach from my own phone. Here is the paraphrase of our conversation:

Me: Hey Peach! My fiancé is in the shower rn, what did you need?

Peach: Oh nothing! lol, just wanted to confirm with him the flowers for your bouquet and isle.

Me: That's weird. I didn't change my mind on any flowers or anything. The florist was contacted last month and everything was paid for already by Tony. (Tony is my mom's husband).

Peach: Are you sure? I remember him telling me you changed your mind?

​

After that it was the usual wedding talk after that point. In hindsight, I should have found it very weird that she would call him about six times to confirm a flower choice when she simply could have either texted me or Alex.

When Alex got out the shower, I told him Peach tried calling him about my flower choices. I asked him what made him think I changed my mind on the flowers for the wedding. He paused for a bit. I now know he was basically stalling and doing the "Oh I'm thinking" face when I had asked. He then said that he thought I had mentioned it in passing during a dinner. I told him that I didn't recall that. He then just shrugged and grabbed his phone and went back in the bathroom.

I hate to be one of those people, but for once, my gut actually sunk. I got this really paranoid feeling and I couldn't shake it. I tried to convince myself that it was just my old cheating trauma trying to creep back. Yet, I just couldn't let this go.

Me and Alex had dinner and I pushed through all the way until it was time to go to bed. I pretended to fall asleep first. Me and Alex usually cuddle to fall asleep.

When I knew he was in a deep enough sleep, I went to check his phone again. I checked his instagram, snapchat and messages and I couldn't find anything. I then went to his Facebook messenger. He has messenger to communicate with his family overseas. I only saw his main family and most of the messages were about getting plane tickets to come to the wedding. We were supposed to get married in December with a winter wonderland themed wedding.

However with my previous relationships, I checked his Archives on messenger. That's when the horrific truth came to light. There was a group chat with Peach, Alex, Richard, Angie and Maria. The group chat was established a year ago where basically Alex and Peach confessed to having an affair to my family.

My mom did shame them at first. Yet, she later asked Alex did he truly loved Peach. "Because you can't help who you love" (Yeah really great mom. That was SUUUPPEERRR helpful). He said he was absolutely sure and that he also loved me too? (Tf.) Then Maria and Richard offered that he (being Alex) bring up to me an open relationship. They both are in open relationships and married and apparently it's working for them in whatever Lala land they live in.

At this point, me and him were already engaged. Alex mentioned to them that it seem too far deep to try to bring it up. Angie (my mom...even though at this point I hate to even call her that), said that they would cover for Alex and Peach until he felt strong enough to bring up an open relationship to me.

As I was reading, all I could think was how in the actual f*ck could my family betray me like that. How could Peach betray me like that? We've been friends since Kindergarten. We even grew up with Alex.

How could she process in her mind to f*ck my fiancé and say that she loves him too? All of this in this disgusting group chat? For Alex to have the nerve to say he loves me as well???? For him to know first hand what its like to be betrayed like this. I honestly wanted to vomit. However, I was just taking screenshot after screenshot.

The more I read down, I found out that Peach "took my spot" on our previous family trip. I got a really bad stomach bug a while ago that caused me not to go. I can't even begin to imagine what they did on the trip. And the fact my mother was okay with all of this, I think is what hurts the most. The fact she's known for a whole year...that my fiancé was cheating on me.

That's taking the longest to sit in I feel. There is more in the group chat but these were the major points. I've known for a whole week. Its been eating at me inside and I want to explode and cuss them all out. I want to ruin their lives the way they ruined me. It all hurts so f*cking much and I just really want advice on how to confront them. How do I even begin? What do I even say? The anger I feel is so intense that I feel like if I just let it all out, I would just look insane.

Please reddit, anything will help. I'm planning on confronting them tomorrow at our rehearsal dinner.

​

TLDR: Family has been hiding my fiancé's affair with my best friend and I want to know how I should confront them and what to say to them when I do.

ADDITIONAL COMMENT FROM OOP

Comment Here Oct 11, 2023

I do have some additional information to add for some frequently asked questions.

Common question from my messages:

Why are you having the rehearsal dinner way too early?: Me and Alex agreed on three rehearsal dinners. One for my family/friends, one for when his family/friends is in town, and the last one with our families combined. Our families and friend groups are big and most people had conflicting schedules for the singular day we tried to plan. So to please everyone we just decided to separate them into groups and have dates that worked best for them for the rehearsals.

Does Alex live with me?: yes. I bought the apartment while he was living with his roommates in his dorm. I let him move in because he and his roommates weren’t getting along after some friend drama they had. We’ve been living together for 2 years now. His name is not on the lease. I’ve done some slight research and I will definitely use this to my advantage. We have a cat, but after all of this she is staying with me and I will fight him tooth and nail for her.

Half sibs both have open marriages?: yes. They fell down that train of “Humans aren’t meant to be monogamous” and they ran with it. They both have poly partners and that was discussed with their respective partners so on their end nothing is wrong.

My relationship with my mom?: it’s turmoil and stillness at best. After the emotional and mental abuse she put me through most of my childhood, when I turned 18 she apologized. I thought she was actually sorry and we were working towards rebuilding a bond. With all of this I’m not even sure we had one to build in the first place. I am her “Affair Baby” as I’ve been called. My mother is a very religious person and she figured that if she confessed then she would be saved and redeemed. The opposite happen and she was kicked out of her church group. Anyone that lives in a small town know gossip runs wild. Tony (my moms husband) forgave her and decided to move to better help their image I guess. A redditor pointed out that this incident may be why she hates me. Yet I can’t comprehend how this would be my fault. Or why she would even hold on to that grudge for that long.

Does anyone know I saw the messages?: No, once I took the screenshots, I deleted them from his phone and just kept them on mine. I have a passcode for my gallery (nsfw pics in there). I changed my code on it and Alex hasn’t checked my phone so I feel I’m safe on that regard. I changed the passcode and if he ask I’ll just tell him some bs lie on how my niece tried to look at pictures and I had to change it.

When was the wedding?: December 17th.

Who paid for the wedding?: The wedding was a group effort between myself, Alex, step dad, aunt and cousin. My mom handled more of the diplomatic things? Invitations and our Gift registry really.

Hopefully this is enough extra information for some folks. I appreciate it all. I’m going to bed soon to prep for tommorow. I know it will be a really long and emotional day tommorow. But I know with all your guys support I will do fine. I’m hoping I will at least.

​ Update Oct 12, 2023

Hello everyone. Its been about 3 hours since the rehearsal dinner. Everything is shit right now, but I'm happy the hard part is over.

I just want to say something really quick before I share the update. To the individuals threatening to dox me to "prove" my story is fake....kindly go F yourself. I'm going through a very tumultuous time in my life and the last thing I need is some people being on a personal mission of proving my ordeal is fake. I already have to deal with an abusive mother. I already have too much sh*t to worry about.

My emotions are still high and raw. I apologize if I ramble in some parts. I have attached the link to my original post if you want to read that for context:

/r/relationship_advice/comments/175rl13/i_22f_found_out_my_family_is_hiding_my_fiancés/

Just a refresher for those who haven't seen my original post:

Alex (STBX) (M23)

Peach (EX BFF) (F23)

With that out the way, here is the update:

So I did wind up taking bits and pieces of advice from everyone. Last night,I constantly was going back and forth between going ghost or full on exploding on everyone. I decided to go on a mix of both routes.

I sent the screenshots to Alex's parents and explained the whole deal to them. I was honestly expecting them to ignore it or not believe me.

However, they called rather quickly. They asked me If l had any hard proof of them cheating besides their confession. I confided in them that I didn't. They asked for more screenshots and I just basically sent them a good chunk of the screenshots. His mother made me feel so awful for sending them. She was sobbing and apologizing for her son. She soon became inconsolable. His father took the phone and asked was it anything his son could do to make it up to me. This early morning, I was offended he asked that.

Yet, I saw it from his perspective later. I asked him if I could be frank and he agreed told him that unless his son could shrivel up and disappear then there wasn't anything really he could say. His father said that he understood. I asked him if they could keep this to themselves until I brought it up to Alex. They said they could and we ended the call.

For a while, I thought vomiting from stress was a rare, but it finally happened. Alex heard me I guess (me vomiting, not the phone call. I stepped outside to have it.) because he woke up and tried to rub my back. I held my hand up and cleaned myself up. This is around 7am in the morning. Alex had concern in his voice and was asking if I was okay.

For once, I actually saw nothing but red. Yet, I kept the composure. I have no idea why, but I guess that will be my super power l'll hold on to. I ignored him and just went back sleep. I woke back up at 8am to start getting ready for the rehearsal dinner.

Alex told me he had to get somethings done before heading to the restaurant. I told him that was fine and that I'd see him later. Before he left he said he loved me and this was one of the days he was excited for. I said me too. Trying not to have much rage behind it. Once he left, I gathered all the screen shots. For some people that don't know, you can schedule text messages to be sent out at a certain time.

I decided to do this to send it to everyone. Peach's family, Our friend groups, his family as well as mine. I sent it to go out at 1:25pm. This would be the halfway point of the dinner and people would be dropping off gifts early for us and etc. I gathered the black hole of stress forming in me and headed to the restaurant when it was time.

My mother and her husband were already there. My mother hugged me and all I could do was stand there. To feel her hands on me almost felt like she was personally violating my spirit. I did a quick tap hug so she wouldn't get suspicious and we headed inside.

Guest started flowing in and everyone was surprisingly on time. (Besides my grandparents. But they move slow so I didn't blame them.)

Once everyone was gathered, Alex went on this whole spiel of how he was happy everyone could come and that he was excited for his family for the next dinner. (Was suppose to be November 20th.)

He mentioned how I was the love of his life and how he was so happy our families would mingle and we could be one. I wanted to ask him how dare he say that sh*t, but nothing but fake smiles and nods from me. Peach was basically looking like a clueless dog and smiling right along and clapping for us. To see this happen in real life is truly mind boggling. The lengths people will go to have their cake and eat it too. I could barely eat as the stress was getting to me so badly.

At the time I set for the messages. People's phones started buzzing and Alex's and Peach's phone were blowing up. I would like to admit that for once a genuine smile crept on my face. It was like watching an entire kingdom crumble and fall. The horrified faces of Peach and Alex when they looked at me was golden. Its the one highlight I will hold on to from this emotional day.

My Aunt went ballistic. She started calling my mom a "Cruel heartless B-word" over and over. My mother hurriedly checked her phone and saw I sent ner the screenshots.

She started screaming and becoming irate saying I was really trying to ruin her life again. (As some you suggested, she still apparently is upset about being caught having a affair and being shunned). My grandparents reaction hurt the most because they started screaming at my mother. My grandmother was trying, with a few of our other guest to hold my Aunt back as she started screaming every explicative she could.

My grandfather was screaming at my mother that he didn't raise a whre. At this point everyone is in screaming and crying hysterics. My other bridesmaids were cussing Peach out and calling ner a slt. I hate to admit again Il took joy in that. My grandfather went on to screaming at Alex with some things I can't say here because he was very explicit.

I just started laughing and sobbing. I had so much emotions that I genuinely think my body didn't know what to do so it did everything. The tears just kept coming. My cousin escorted me outside as fast as she could with Alex chasing us down. He kept screaming my name and begging to talk. (Like most you suggested, he wanted to "Talk" to explain his side.) I ignored him and my cousin was pushing him away from her car so she could get in and drive off. She took me to my aunt's house and told me to stay there and not answer the door for anyone. I kinda felt like a kid being left at home alone lol. I didn't and just sat on the floor. That's when I just started bawling. All the emotions l've kept pent up for a whole week just finally came up. After about another hour, My Aunt and cousin came back home. They hugged me for like a good 5 minutes. When we finally broke off, I noticed my Aunt had a few scratches on her. I'm assuming they couldn't hold my aunt back from my mom for much longer.

My aunt caught me up on everything. Apparently after my cousin drove off with me, Alex came back in and started screaming at Peach for ruining everything. They got into a screaming match and some of our friends were trying to split them apart. My grandparents, Aunt, and Tony (my moms husband) were drilling into my mother for answers.

Tony was the most livid. Apparently, during the family trip I couldn't go to, my mom told Tony that I had OFFERED MY TICKET to Peach so she could enjoy a nice break for herself. Tony at this point is screaming and reading some of her messages out loud. She was begging him to stop and that she could explain. My aunt started adding on that she better start explaining because all she sees is a worthless mother and vile person. Apparently this set my mother off and she started screaming about how she hated me. About how I ruined her life and made it difficult. How she felt like she could never be happy because I was always a constant reminder of her "Biggest mistake ever" and she regretted not aborting me when she had the chance.

That set my Aunt off and she basically pounced on her. For context, my Aunt is infertile. In her words, I was the daughter she never got to have. So in her mind, she went full mama bear mode on my birth giver. (That's what I'm calling her now. My aunt has been more of a nother to me than my mother ever has in the past 22 years of my life.)

To make a long list short (I'm honestly getting back emotional and the fatigue and empty stomach aren't helping), here is everything else that happened:

• Tony is divorcing my mom. He's had suspicions for a few months she's cheating again

• Peach exposed Alex's text to her that he was sleeping with her because he felt I was growing distant a while back (l was putting in overtime at work to save up for his birthday) and that he was lonely and didn't know how to bring it up to me

• Peach's father spammed her with calls and will be cuting her off finically. (Apparently this is my fault and I'm a evil Witch for ruining her according to her texts)

• My mother has been on a tirade with our family exclaiming I'm a evil person for destroying her world again.(Should have thought about that before condoning anything)

• Half sibs felt it wasn't their place to say anything to me and that I should have expected Alex to look else where because "Humans aren't monogamous and people love who they love" (Same old, same old)

A lot more has happened, but to avoid my brain from imploding on itself from the stress and anger, It's finally out in the air. l've been getting text and calls from everyone, but at the moment, l've left my phone in the other room. I'm updating this from my aunt's computer. My aunt offered for me to stay with her until I get out of this jumbled mess. I accepted it seeing as I have no intention of going back to that apartment. I've already emailed my landlord and will be handling it all next week. My boss emailed me back and said I was allowed to use some PTO for as long as I need. I will definelty take it seeing as I'm highly considering moving somewhere quiet and peaceful. l'm thinking maybe lowa or maybe even North Coralina. I've heard they have good cost of living in those states.

I want to thank you guys so much again. I truly appreciate all the support I've been given and receiving. I'll be offline after today for a few days. I feel like I need to just disconnect from everything and just actually comfort myself. My aunt and cousin are at my place getting some of my things and my cat. Alex is there begging them to not take my things and to have me just talk to him. I don't know what he thinks a conversation will do. The emotional and mental scar I have is not going to go away for a while. I also know I have a long journey waiting for me in therapy. A lot of people have been pointing out that I was severely abused by my mother. Now, that I know how much she hates me. It will be easier to go no contact now

TLDR: Sent the messages out to everyone. Dinner imploded. Life sucks rn, but I know l'll make it through. Thank you guys for all your messages and support again. I truly appreciate it. Reddit is a great place besides the lunatics l've encountered at this point. Thank you

Update 2 Oct 13, 2023

Hopefully Reddit doesn't screw me over. I will recap things from my first update if things can't get fixed in my first post.

TW: Self-Harm, Sicide attempt

​ For context for new people?:

Peach (ex bbf)

Alex (ex fiance)

Egg Donor (my mother)

Tony (My egg donors STBX)

​ I posted a recap in the comments, but it is buried and I don't know if I can pin the comment.

I messaged Alex's parents the screenshots. His parents were very upset. I scheduled text messages to be sent out to everyone during the rehearsal dinner. I also sent the screenshots to Peach's dad. (He is her only parent. Her mother isn't with us anymore. Bless her though.) I made sure it went to Peach's family as well. (I added them to the scheduled mass text after I decided they should know.) I also sent them to my family, Alex's family and my own. Once the schedule time went by, everything went into chaos. Peach was being berated by my now ex friends (on why things escalated). Peach's father cut her off financially. My grandparents, aunt, and Tony started grilling my mom for answers. I guess under the pressure she confessed to hating me. She thinks I'm the reason her life was difficult and ruined. I was the product of a long going affair I have come to find out. After my mom insulted me, my aunt physically assaulted her. (Something she is proud of she keeps telling me.)

My cousin got me out quickly when the chaos ensued. Alex tried to chase us down, but my cousin maneuvered between him and she took me to my aunt's place. Its where I'm at still. My phone has been blowing up since then. My aunt came home and recapped everything for me when she got back. They got my things from the apartment. (Most important to me was my cat.) And that's where my last update left off.

However, things have escalated heavily. Once I woke up and took a long hot shower, I turned my phone back on. I couldn't even unlock it or clear notification before I got a call from one of my bridesmaids. I answered and she immediately started screaming at me about how could I ignore Peach and Alex in their time of need. At first I was confused seeing as I don't give a damn about them anymore. I asked her to not yell at me, but she continued anyway. She screamed that Peach self harmed. When she sent me the images they were very top surface level. Enough for the scar to appear and a little blod. (Regardless of whether or not it was deep enough it still shook me.) I wanted to scoff on the phone because at this point I know she was doing it to rally people on her side since I wont respond to her text. Yet she also told me Alex tried to OD. His friends found him at my apartment all groggy. They took him to the hospital where he was cleared since they didn't have to pump. They are keeping him on watch for the next 72 hours which is good. (Just because I hate his guts doesn't mean he needs to d*e).

After this, my friend group has been split very heavily since I didn't respond to either of them before they did this. I still have no intention of talking to either of them. I don't really care what they do for attention. Just as long as they leave me the hell alone.

During the initial confrontation with my egg donor, Tony found out my egg donor lied to him and said Peach could take my ticket to go with them for the trip. They got home and started arguing more because Tony brought up the suspicions he had about my mother cheating. She started screaming at him and confessing everything. She told him my half sibs aren't his and a lot of other very hurtful things. He had to call the police on her to escort her off his property. Tony followed up with me this morning (Yes, he is divorcing her. His lawyers are drafting up his papers within the next week or so) and told me that my mother confessed that I was the product of a long term affair she had with his best friend. (My egg donor is a very VILE woman I am coming to learn.)

Yet after finding out Tony is getting papers, she has tried to back peddle. She has been calling my Aunt begging for her to convince Tony not to do this or else she will be homeless. She has been trying to call Tony and his family, but they all have been ignoring her. :)

Yet, this wasn't enough for my Egg Donor. She knows my aunt schedule and tried to come over to assault me. My cousin was with me still, so she couldn't get in. But, hearing her scream at me some of my very low insecurities hurt and I started to have a panic attack. My cousin took me upstairs when We heard a loud crash. My mother broke through the window and ran upstairs and attacked me. For once in my life, I hit my egg donor back. All the anger I had towards her I finally let out. My cousin was struggling to separate us that she had to run to get our neighbor. I only have a few scratches and bite marks but outside of that I am okay. I'm also placing charges against my egg donor. Hopefully I can get a restraining order honestly.

My mom ran off before the police came, but I gave them Tony's address just in case she tries going back there.

I see that those evil people aren't going to stop until they get a response out of me. However, on the weird side, I got a call from my half-sister. She tried apologizing and I cut her off because I don't want to hear it anymore. She then scoffed and HAD THE NERVE to ask if I could watch my nieces while her, her husband, and her boyfriend all go on a trip. I love my nieces and nephews, but I told her that she could go F herself. If she wanted me to watch her nieces then she would have to ask through my aunt. She started screaming how I was being unfair to her and punishing her kids. I told her I was punishing her. She said nevermind and that I couldn't see my nieces. I knew this was something that could happen, but it hurt my heart. I'm pretty sure she's telling them I hate them. I'm keeping the screenshots and my aunt and cousin said they would back me up if they reach out in the future.

This is everything so much, but I'm expecting more to happen honestly. One thing I know about egg donor is that she hates losing. I know she sees this as a loss and she won't stop until she comes out on top. My half brother has me blocked on everything and I'm pretty sure he is siding with my half-sister.

I'm just really emotionally distraught, but I wanted to update you guys. I'll update again if anything else happens, but if not this will probably be my final update because I just want all of this shit show to end. In good news though, I start therapy next week.

My aunt and cousin are currently packing up Alex's things and dropping them off at a buddy of his. His name is Kyle (he is on my side) and he's been helping me through all of this as well. He dropped me off my favorite fruit this morning to my aunt. He also assured me that I can talk to him any time. I asked him if he would be in further communication with Alex and he said no. He's just holding on to his things until his parents can pick them up. I really appreciate him.

But that's it for now, I will update in the comments once I get that restraining order.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP