I am not the Original Poster. OP deleted her account, but not her stories, which were originally on r/AmItheAsshole and r/AITAH

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AITA for leaving my surprise wedding because I felt blindsided? (19 June 2023)

Last week, I (30F) was invited to a supposedly fancy party by my longtime boyfriend, Mark (32M). We had been dating for five years, and while we had discussed marriage before, there were no immediate plans for a wedding.

Excited about the event, I dressed up in my best attire and arrived at the designated venue. As I entered the grand hall, I was completely taken aback to see all of our family, friends, and acquaintances gathered, eagerly waiting. It turns out, Mark had orchestrated an elaborate surprise wedding for us without my knowledge.

Everyone erupted into applause as I stood there, shocked and overwhelmed. I just felt a mix of emotions. While I love Mark and had dreamed of our future together, the idea of getting married without any prior discussion or consent felt like a breach of trust.

So, I pulled Mark aside and tried to express my concerns and reservations about the surprise wedding. I explained that I wanted a say in the planning process, to be part of the decision-making, and to have the chance to prepare mentally and emotionally for such a significant milestone in our lives.

However, Mark dismissed my concerns, saying that he thought it would be a romantic gesture and that I would be thrilled.In that moment, I faced a difficult choice go along with the surprise wedding, putting on a smile despite feeling unsettled, or stand up for my autonomy and voice my true feelings. I ultimately made the decision not to proceed with the surprise wedding, much to the disappointment and confusion of our guests.

Now, I find myself at odds with Mark, our families, and even some of our friends who believe I overreacted and spoiled a beautiful moment. However, I firmly believe that a marriage should be a joint decision, with open communication and shared expectations.

Everyone's excuse for this is I have always talked about marrying Mark. And again the problem isn't marrying him, the problem is not having any say in my wedding. Mark thought I'd appreciate it, because I always spoke about how stressful planning a wedding must be. Yes, I think its stressful, it is but I'd still like planning one!

After this whole ordeal everyone asked if Mark and I were ending things, in which I replied no. I emphasized towards them and Mark I still wanted to marry him, and most feel like this is making me more of an asshole since I just wasted a perfectly fine wedding.

So AITA for refusing to attend my own surprise wedding, even though it was intended as a romantic gesture?

Edit: I previously omitted this from my post because of the subreddit's word count guidelines. I love surprises it's a thing everyone has known me to love. Mark knowing that, the fact I wanted to marry him, and said wedding planning was stressful thought a surprise wedding would be perfect. A surprise engagement is bland, because it will always be a surprise but not a wedding lol. He threw this "wedding" for the surprise, but explained how in a couple days we could do a courthouse wedding to make it legal, this was his only way to surprise me. I love spontaneity, but legal marriage or not, I wanted a say in my wedding. To choose the perfect date, to choose my bridesmaids, to pick out my cake. Again due to these thoughts everyone thinks I'm the asshole, because I could have went along with the party, and do a redo legal wedding. But again I felt blindsided and confused so I left.

Verdict: NTA

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Comment that sums up many people's feelings:

NTA. I admire you OP - for saying no and not just going along with it. You did the right thing.

Putting someone in a position that makes them feel guilty or embarrassed to say no is not a romantic thing to do at all. It's emotionally manipulative. If he is apologetic and wants to plan a wedding together, then you have yourself a great guy. If he gets all weird and/or angry about it, you dodged a bullet. One way or the other, things will work out the way they are supposed to.

UPDATE: AITA for leaving my surprise wedding because I felt blindsided? (1 July 2023)

I want to start off by thanking everyone for the responses I got and the advice. However, I would like to reiterate that Mark is a great person who did a stupid thing. If you knew me though, a surprise wedding seems like something I would love, unfortunately I didn't.

After talking to Mark we both got to the conclusion that we didn't do anything wrong. Both of us are valid in our opinions and the situation was an odd one. Unfortunately, Mark spent a lot of money on planning this wedding, as well as family members. He doesn't think that we have the funds to plan another wedding until a couple years.

I will be honest that choice is really messing with me. I'd like to be married sometime soon, and start out life as a family. I know weddings don't have to be extravagant. We could always throw a small party, and once we have enough money do a second on, but I don't know if that's what I want. I honestly feel selfish and regret not using the surprise wedding-- I feel like I wasted a bunch of money.

I used to stand by my choice confidently, but now I'm not sure I made the right choice and all this stress is wearing me down. Anyway I'm staying with Mark, probably will get married soon, and have my dream wedding in the near future hopefully.

Again, thanks to all the responses, and I hope people from AITA also see this post.

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Top Comment: Personally, the fact that he blew all the wedding money on a surprise without any consultation or care at all to what you actually wanted, then blew you off when you tried to express your very genuine concern, is still raising red flags for me. Not gonna say it has to be a dealbreaker, I don't know him, but the general lack of concern or care towards your wants and needs and a willingness to spend large amounts of savings on something for you that you absolutely did not want at all, then trying to pressure you into it because he backed you into a corner, is to me still very much cause for concern. But I recognize that I have only seen a tiny piece of this puzzle and I wish you the best.

Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. Flared as "concluded" as OOP has decided how she's going to handle this and appears to be trying to move on.