I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted by u/Throw_away_1011_ in r/AmItheAsshole**.**

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WIBTA for contacting my father after 14 years since he abandoned me? (22 Dec 2022)

My father was in my life only for the first 13 years of my life. I'm 27 now.

He and my mom divorced when I was very little.

We never had a particularly strong bond. We weren't on bad terms but… His hobbies were sports, motorcycles and especially cars, all things I never had a particular interest in. I tried to make an effort and spending time with him while watching football, car races, motoGP but I guess I failed miserably. I tried to share my hobbies with him but he never looked interested so I stopped trying.

Don't misunderstand me, we had our good times.

After the divorce my father had a few GF but me and my sister were always a priority for him. That was until he meet his current wife. Patty was ok, a bit cold and authoritative but overall not the worst GF he had.

She had two sons from her previous marriage. They were 18 and 20 and they shared exactly the same hobbies as my father.

After they entered his life, I understood pretty soon that me and my sister were not a priority anymore. My father would spend more time with his new GF and her sons than with me and my sister and even when we were with him, it was like we weren't there or we were a nuisance.

After less than a year of dating, my father decided to marry Patty and he hid it from us until two weeks before the wedding. We felt betrayed and I understood that there was no place for me and my sister in his life anymore. He had his new perfect sons, so he didn't need us anymore.

He went LC for a bit and then NC.

I don't want to talk about it but my already low self esteem received a huge blow. When I went to college I met this girl, Claire. She was... amazing. When I was with her I felt loved, like for the first time in my life I could be my true self without being afraid that she would leave me. She was my other half, the only woman I could ever love. Our relationship lasted 3 years. She died 3 years ago.

I was depressed. My mom and sister had to force me to get out of my bed, my grades dropped miserably, I gained weight because I would eat until I was sick, only so that I would feel something other than pain.

Now I feel better. Two months ago was my birthday and I realized that it's been 14 years since I last talked to my dad, which means I have officially spent most of my life without him. For some reason I remembered one conversation I had in the past with Claire: I had explained to her my relationship with him and the fact I had never talked to him to officially "break things off". She thought that if I felt like it, it would have been good to tell my father how I felt about him and about how he left me for his new family. I could call him or go to his house to talk to him but I don't know if it would be the right thing to do, especially because it would be only to take a weight off my chest.

So, WIBTA for calling my father after such a long time even though neither of us tried to contact each other before?

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Relevant Comments:

• OOP: I never told him how much he hurt me and he apparently never noticed how much my sister and me felt like a nuisance in his new life. I just want to tell him how I feel and understand if he knew how we felt and simply didn't care or if he sincerely didn't understand ( which is possible, empathy wasn't his strong point)
• OOP: I had to cut the post short of more than 2000 words so I missed a few things. After he went NC for a couple of months, he tried calling me on the phone but I didn't answer and he never tried again so I don't know, maybe he is waiting for me to call him. Although the things he did in the years following make me think otherwise.
• Several commenters suggest therapy. OOP: therapist are not seen in a good way in my country. I have a potential good job waiting for me after I graduate college and if they knew I went to therapy, they would probably second guess hiring me. ( yeah, it's unfair, I know).
• OOP: to be sincere, I don't care what effect the outcome will have on me. I may be shunned, abandoned again or hurt again. I don't particularly care. What I care most is to tell him what I feel so that I can move on and, if possible, to not hurt him in the process. I know he abandoned me and I know that it doesn't make sense but he is my father and, while I can't say I love him as such, I still don't want to see him hurt.

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UPDATE: WIBTA for contacting my father after 14 years since he abandoned me? (3 Jan 2023)

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I wanted to make a short (?) update about the situation with my father.

Listening to the advice of some of you, I decided to try writing a letter, writing everything I wanted to say to my father. It was quite a long letter, longer than I thought. At the end of the letter I wrote that if he wanted to, we could have met to talk during Christmas holidays but that I would go back to my place ( which is quite far) after NYE.

Anyway, among those who suggested me to write a letter, some thought I shouldn't send it while others thought I should. I thought about it for a couple of days and, in the end, I decided to put it in the mailbox of his work address ( I thought about sending it to his home but there is a chance it wouldn't reach him so I chose his workplace). I personally put it in there knowing he would find it the same day and I asked my cousin, who works with him, if he received it. He told me that he saw the letter but he didn't know how if he read it and that my father's behaviour didn't change in the next few days.

Anyway, it's been more than a week since then and nothing happened, so I guess this is his answer.

I had no expectation of an actual answer so I'm not particularly hurt or sad or anything else.

I made this update mostly to thank the people who gave me advice on what to do and how.

Happy NY everybody.

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Relevant Comments:

• OOP about the cousin: My cousin declared himself neutral years ago. He told my father that if he ever wanted to know how me and my sister were doing, he should have come to talk to us directly and he said the same things to us about him. He is a cool guy. We get along quite well. He simply doesn't like drama and when this whole story began he told us he didn't want to be involved in any way, that he loved us and our father and didn't want to lose neither of us. I respect his choice and his honesty.

flaired as concluded for now, as OOP did what he wanted, by writing the letter, and feels that the matter is settled.

Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted by u/Throw_away_1011_ in r/AmItheAsshole**.**