I'm CIShet female, age 60. Spent most of my life feeling sexually repressed due to "good girls don't enjoy or ask for sex" bullshit social programming, aka "don't be a slut". A little over a year ago my husband and I opened our marriage to play with others and he's been encouraging me to explore my sexual self and embrace being a slut. Mentally that's been super amazing for me and I'm loving it. I've made a lot of progress in my sexual journey just in one year. But orgasms are still a massive hurdle for me, and I'd like to get some thoughts from other women about my specific experience.

I've been a lifelong masturbator and have always been able to bring myself to orgasm that way. Early in life I just used my hands, but lately I've been using a combination of small buzzy vibrator and dildo. I also have to fantasize, and lately they've had to be pretty "outrageous" scenarios, like gang bangs to get me there. If I don't fantasize (get my brain engaged) then nothing happens. My orgasms with those toys and fantasies are stronger than they used to be. So based on a lot of sex advice that I read online, being able to do this should in theory make it easier to O with a partner. And yet it doesn't seem to be the case. My husband has also encouraged me to tell him what feels good and explore with me, he's okay with me using a vibe while we have sex and experiment with positions. He's gotten me close more than a few times, but I just can't seem to get myself over the edge. Unless he helps me masturbate and I focus on only myself and fantasize.

I have bought the omgyes.com package and read through it and practiced some of the early parts - the parts about finding your pleasure curve and nursing it until you reach the peak of the curve and orgasm. (The later parts seem to be more about once you master that, then adding other toys and techniques. I haven't mastered that early part with a partner.) After learning from that, I've been trying to monitor my pleasure curve with a partner and here is what it feels like I'm dealing with:

When masturbating, I can focus entirely on myself with no distractions, so I can work that pleasure curve and get myself off. But with a partner, that adds distractions, no fault of his. During regular sex I feel like my brain is a ferret constantly distracted by shiny things. Oh this feels good, oh THAT feels good, holy cow this other thing is amazing, oohhhh so intense, phew I need a brief rest, omg what you're doing is mindblowing, etc. So my pleasure curve is more like a roller coaster, I reach near the top of the hill many times and then rocket back down without reaching the O. The sensations I get with a partner are also wayyy more intense than what I get just by masturbating.

I've tried all the advice that I've read online: do lots more foreplay, flirt and "feed" my responsive desire so that I'm super horny to start with, relax and just feel what I feel, breath, hold my breath when I'm close, tense up and squeeze him and embrace the intensity, be quiet and focus on myself, be vocal/loud and embrace what we're doing together, every fucking thing. I've read and practiced what I learned from Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. At this point I feel like I'm very educated in my sexual self and know what should work.

I also mostly just focus on the journey, the pleasure exploration and try not to focus on the orgasm destination, so I do very much enjoy my sex life. I try not to be goal-oriented and have performance pressure. With my husband, I'm emotionally okay with not reaching orgasm all the time. But when we play with others it's a bit different.

So I'm aware of the "orgasm gap" between men an women but as we opened our marriage and played in the occasional group setting I've seen that a lot more women than I was led to believe are actually easily orgasmic. And that's making me feel like I'm missing some trick or knowledge. I should be able to do that, too. And when I play with other male partners or MMF threesomes with my husband, I have seen that the male partners try very hard to get me off. I worry a bit that they're disappointed that they can't get me there.

So I try not to pressure myself, just enjoy the pleasure and not spectate myself. But I have a couple of specific questions:

1. After being a lifelong masturbator, is it possible that I've unwittingly trained myself to being able to cum only one very specific way? Everything has to be "perfect"? If so, how can I break that habit?

2. When playing with a partner(s), how can I relax a bit more and not let my ferret brain get distracted by all the shiny and very intense feelings? My husband is patient and we have the relationship where I can ask him to focus on my needs, but with other play partners, I don't feel like I can be that "demanding". I like to be giving and game but find that makes me focus on them more and myself less. And I've seen that not focusing on myself causes me to lose sight of my pleasure curve.

3. Which ties into the common advice of "don't try, just feel and it will eventually happen". That doesn't seem to be the case for me. Just relaxing and being in the moment and feeling whatever comes my way is delicious but just feeds my ferret brain/inability to focus on my pleasure curve and being surprised with an O just doesn't happen.

4. Has anybody else here had this kind of situation and managed to figure it out?