I know today's weather wasn't ideal, but, on the other, let's not waste a rainy day! Snuggled up under a blanket? Staying warm and toasty? Listening to the pitter-patter of rain on the windows? And a nice warm tongue gliding along the edges of your womanhood? There is a lucky woman out there who just needs the momentary courage to send a quick DM.

And while I wait to hear from her, let's open up the mailbag:

"I am embarrassed to have a guy go down on me because I worry my labia are too big. What do you think?" Tessie, Rockville, Md.

Dear Tessie, your labia are not too big, nor are anyone else's. I adore them because they help guide my tongue along your grooves, and give me something meaty and substantial to gently suck on.

"My sorority girlfriends and I are thinking about renting an AirBnB and would like a house pet to service us on demand for the weekend. Can we count on you?" Megan, American U.

Dear Megan, yes, absolutely! No job too big!

"I work on K Street and have a 45-minute lunch break. Could I pop over and grind a quick one out on your face?" Amanda, Washington, D.C.

Dear Amanda, yes, absolutely! No job too small!

"We are concerned about our 30-year-old daughter who recently moved back to live with us. She's a bit of a mouse-y thing who doesn't seem to make friends easily. When she sits, she slumps forward with her shoulders folded in. She also doesn't pay attention to fashion or make-up. What would you suggest?" Mr. & Mrs. Harbottle, Bethesda, Md.

Dear Harbottles, in thirty minutes, I can have your daughter sitting up straight, shoulders back, chest out! And don't worry about fashion and make-up, as she will soon be illuminated from within by a newfound inner glow.

"Do these ridiculous posts you keep writing actually work?" Dee, McLean, Va.

Dear Dee, you have no idea.

"Isn't this a sin?" Sister Mary Agnes, Catholic U.

Dear Sister, yes, definitely!

"I've got a tomato sauce stain on my silk blouse. How can I get it out?" Sandra, Takoma Park, Md.

Dear Sandra, are you in the right subreddit? In any case, try lemon juice or white vinegar. If that doesn't work, dab with mineral oil.

"Do you like to eat German girls?" Heidi von B., Düsseldorf

Sehr geehrte fräulein, Ich liebe den Geschmack deutscher Mädchen!

"What do you recommend for good genital hygiene?" Linda, Logan Circle

Dear Linda, your vulva is naturally self-regulating and shouldn't need any special routine. Wear breathable fabrics and shower daily. You'll be good to go!

"I love seeing a guy's head bobbing between my thighs -- but my breasts also need attention. Can you accommodate?" Gabrielle, Rosslyn, Va.

Dear Gabrielle, indubitably! I will lick, nip, and suckle at your beautiful teats!

"Don't ask me why, but for some reason I thought it would be good fun to stuff a half dozen strawberries up my pussy, and now I could really use some help getting them out. Is this a service you provide?" Brittany, Capitol Hill

Dear Brittany, I will extract every last one. And eat them! Your special glaze makes them all the more delicious!

Fine Print: All kidding aside, I am quite real and so is the offer! I absolutely love performing on a woman. While I want both you and I to have a great time, I do take all of this seriously. In real life, I am completely normal, safe, sane, responsible, stable, and respectful. All limits respected. And if we do agree to move forward, we'll meet in a safe, public place first and not move anywhere private until we're both comfortable with it.

About me: I am tall (6'2") and lean (180 lbs), with full head of dark hair and brown eyes. 100% disease-free. Try it, you'll love it!

ItsAnObsession