This post will be really long and I'm sorry. I'm just so upset and I need to get some stuff out.

I wish I didn't have a mom. My parents are divorced and have been for 14 years. My mom still can't be civil with my dad and step mom, who have been married for 10 years. She still calls my step mom his "new wife."

My mom never remarried and she is so insufferable to be around, she has no friends. She hates her family and they bicker all the time. I have an older sister, but she is a drug addict and alcoholic who can't seem to get on a good path. We don't know where she is and are not in contact with her. It's been this way for the last few years with both my mom and dad helping her with money, rehabs, even housing her temporarily, but time and time again she has proven she can't take any responsibility for her actions and she always turns back to drugs and lies. It's at the point where we have all agreed we can't help her anymore because she doesn't want to help herself.

I know how hard it is for my mom. But it's been hard for all of us. My dad and I have managed to cope, move on, and make something of our lives. My mom has chosen to let her house fall into complete disrepair, only able to sleep on the couch. Everything is broken, the place is a biohazard. She won't come to be social with people she likes (my husband's dad and step mom) because she "doesn't feel up to it." I try and help her spend time with good people but she never wants to, so I hardly ever see her.

My mom is a classic narcissist, I guess. I'm the only person she talks to and she relies on me for emotional support, but I can't do that for her anymore. If I even bring up therapy she goes batshit insane on me and says "why don't YOU get therapy?" And just generally goes crazy. She is the least self-aware person I've ever met. She is ALWAYS right. Never once has she apologized to me for anything, my entire life. The way she raised me has left me with some serious issues that I understand and am trying to work out.

Now that I'm pregnant I just can't take her shit anymore. She's already way too involved and I suspect she's thinking of this baby as "hers" and her do-over. Fuck all of that. We have already had fights about what she expects to be able to do with MY baby.

Today she asked about a baby shower. I knew this would be a hard conversation. I had already talked to my step mom about it a week ago, who generously offered to co-host it with my mom at their house, since she figured my mom would want to host but we all know she has nowhere to do it. I already knew that would never in a million years work because my mom hates my step mom so I just told my step mom I would like her to host it at their house by herself, and I wanted a big shower with everyone.

I mentioned to my mom what my thinking was, and that step mom offered to co-host with her. She of course went crazy and said she wasn't comfortable with it, then tried to make me feel bad. She told me to put myself in her shoes. How would I feel if I had to go to my ex's house and play nice with his new wife? Um, I would feel fine, if it was for my daughter's baby shower, because I'm a mature adult.

Then she goes on to say how I never think about her feelings and that I'm being mean to her and all that bullshit. I wish she would ever think about putting herself in MY shoes. I can never have my family all together for important things because my mom is crazy. Everyone else is perfectly fine to have her around or be around her but she cannot handle is because she is crazy.

I wish she understood how stressful she makes my life. I wish she understood that I LOVE MY STEP MOM and she is MY FAMILY. She has been so for 10 years. I wish she understood how much I hate listening to her bitch and moan and trash my dad and step mom every time I talk to her. My dad has never said anything bad about my mom. She raised me thinking my dad was an awful person and I have so much guilt for the time I refused to spend with him because of things she lied about.

I just hate this all so much. I just want a loving mom who really and truly cares about what I want. I'm just sitting here crying and I am determined to never treat my baby the way my mom has treated me. I'm scared for the future, scared for my baby to ever be around her. I just wish she was someone else. Thanks for listening.