We are home from the Hospital. Here are some things I think (or thought) from this entire process.

1. Is there any other way to answer the following question: “Do you want to keep the placenta?” Than “no” or perhaps “what the !%&$ people keep that?” Seriously this is the like one of the first questions they ask you at check in. Good thing they ask you before the drugs and days of not eating, complete clarity on this one. Hate to in a moment of weakness say yes. This question made me wonder “how many people did we pass on the way in here were taking home their placentas? And are these the same kind of people that would get pissed if you don’t put precious in the basket? (Silence of the Lambs reference). I mean could I list it on ebay? Do people pull it out at birthdays and anniversaries while looking at old baby pictures and other life moments? “Oh honey and look here, remember you lived in this for nine months, you loved it so much?” I asked the nurse “why would we keep this.” None of her answers were reasonable. “Some people bury it?” I live in a condo/townhome complex, haven’t looked lately but I hope “you can’t bury placentas” is in the bi-laws. Then the nurse said “some people dry it and turn it into powder then put it in pills and eat it.” I’ll just take a Flintstone vitamin and call it day. Despite the election of Gov. Bevin I have not given up on humanity, and so I am fairly sure there is only one way to answer this question. “No”. Anyone that says “yes” has their child taken from them at birth.

2. My wife is pretty amazing, she is always more calm than I am during this. She handles this entire process with a sense of grace and beauty and I am amazed at her patience with me, as shockingly I'm sure, I am not exactly cool under this life pressure.

3. My earliest experience in understanding what child birth is, and what goes into it, was from the 1983 2-part hit miniseries V (the one where Lizard people tried to take over the world). As a seven year old the scene where the lady has a c-section and gives birth to a normal looking baby and lizard looking baby had such an impact on me that during the birth of my children I always had a light flashback to that movie and I am always relieved that my kids were not born lizard babies. When we had my first, she came out like Mary Poppins “perfect in everyway” – clean, eyes wide open, and almost giggling. My second, came out blue, but needed oxygen and you could tell instantly he was human. Third, though came out blueish-green and completely covered head to toe in amniotic fluid and a white coating called vernix caseosa. It made him look a bit like a lizard baby and there was like five seconds where I was like “oh no it’s happening” It was like Robert Eugland was in the room with me. But upon closer look he was completely human, adorable, and by the size of his massive red head I knew he was a family last name, not a lizard human hybrid. (if you are not familiar I bet money if you type in 'V birth scene 1983 lizzard" you can likely find it on youtube. Yes I watched that when I was six or seven)

4. I am so grateful for the help of my parents, my siblings, and my mother and father in-law when we have the babies. I worry so much about my other two and it is great to know they are in good hands when we are at the hospital.

5. Removed because it was too personal and hard to make anonymous

6. It is cute and a bit disturbing to see the nurses passing my baby around showing him off and saying “look how cute this one is, look at his hair, isn’t he adorable? We should enter him in baby photo contests” I walked in on this after getting a Coke-Zero from the concession stand. This really ups the pressure on us if we were to have other kids and I can't imagine the impact it must of had on the other kids in the nursery. He is cute and amazingly very calm so far. He likes to be held and his eyes get very open and he looks for me when I talk, they get even brighter and bigger when I mention sister and brother.

7. If someone gave me a written description of lactation consultant in middle school I am fairly certain I would have tried to pick it up as a career path in high school. Alas no one did, and I am happy they didn’t, because the job is not nearly as glamorous as it would have sounded to middle school boy. It has to be one of the weirdest jobs on earth and I have to leave the room as the conversation is just weird.

8. The birth of all my kids were scary. I can’t imagine though how scary this has to be for a single mother, a recently separated mother, or a teenage mother. I saw all of the above in the hospital. I am not in a place to do much for the first two, I need to better understand what I can do in the schools system for the teenagers. Figuring out how to pass Algebra 2 and English 4 should be low on the list of worries for these new moms, and in addition to making sure bringing a child into this world isn’t a barrier to graduation.

9. I have a fear of needles - it’s a real thing with medicine and diagnosis’s and stuff. It is not a reason health care professionals to test a career switch as comedians - even if my wife and others think you are funny. “Better leave the room - don’t want you to pass out on us big guy, ha ha ha.” You also don’t want my foot up your arse which I promise you will get - if you bring up my irrational fear or call me big guy again. Also I have a fear of needles not a fear of blood or anything else like that and when I tell you that three times don’t talk to me slowly and ask me “are you sure you are ok with the blood dad? Don’t want you passing out.”

10. I am always shocked by the number of people from the hospital that come in and out of the room at crazy hours. There has to be a better process than this – I am positive I could go from room to room and say “I’m the hospitals ‘oil change guy’ I am just stopping by to remind you to get the oil changed in your car and I offer a great package right now for $80.00 I can change your oil next Tuesday.” And folks would be like “oh, its the oil change guy, need to get on that” Picture people, don’t shake the baby people, food people, volunteer services (what the hell is that?), breast feeding league, drs, residents, and six different kinds of nurses – it gets out of hand. I may hire a mime to go room to room with a go pro cam as I am sure they would be like “oh its just the hospital mime”

11. Selling picture packages should be outlawed in the hospital, especially when they are extremely expensive and the photos are of my adorable child, who with his long red hair is crazy cute. But alas they are not and like a month to flame I buy the biggest package every time so I have that moment captured. But my God I could have done the same thing with my iphone. If I were souless like them, I would recommend they dive into some other lucrative sales rackets - like pushing ponies and Disney vacations. Between the sleep deprivation and flood of emotions and irrational thoughts I would have doubled down on both. And at this point, with the BS in health care would anyone be surprised if they did this?

12. I always have this fear or perhaps better sense of life mission when I leave and it is always overwhelming. “I want to be good person and I hope my son will be proud of me, I don’t want to let him down.”

13. I am fairly certain the furniture in the hospital rooms is there to punish those staying overnight, especially the dads. I think sleeping in the trunk of my car would have been more comfortable.

14. Of the many ridiculous things we will get a bill for - that I will end up calling and complaining about, is the bill from the pediatrician that is on-sight. I don’t ask for them to visit, I don’t want them to visit, and their visit lasts for 5 minutes. Seriously – I recorded the entire visit by the pediatrician just to spice up my routine childbirth phone call debate session with billing – it lasted 4 minutes and 35 seconds and we will get a bill for $500-$1000. Even with insurance covering this - it is a complete load of BS and it is little stuff like this that drives me nuts about health care and its wrong. Here is to hoping I get it cancelled. In addition, I am hoping the Early College program will help address many items and help bring the insane college expenses of the health care profession so we can work on dropping the insane expenses.

15. I am so lucky – out numbered 3-2 in the house now, but so happy to have three great kids, a wonderful wife, a job I enjoy, a company I am proud of, parents and siblings that are the best, live in region that is the best in the country.

16. There are many benefits to my Dad taking a cake decorating class – including coming home to a Birthday Cake for baby. It’s a visual and taste-bud masterpiece.

17. There are people out there now doing this entire birth process in the water surrounded by dolphins. I'm glad wife didn't want to do that, Id have to watch from a boat. This is really happening in Hawaii apparently.

And finally – I keep this on the facebook page and not a blog as I don’t see facebook disappearing and Zuckerberg is nice enough to remind me every two to three years of previous memories so I can revisit things like this and your comments that Matthew McConaughey was good in Sahara. I forgive you for that because he was good in True Detective.