Hello everyone. So thought I should do an intro to get started since my sister showed me this. I am 19, will be 20 on August 17th so not 19 for long, and am currently 12 weeks along now. I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks and was very excited, though also scared because this is my first baby and I am not in the best place. I dropped out of high school about a year ago due to problems I was having at the school with learning because the teachers were always being fired and new ones being hired so that was hard, and also because no one really cared if I was there or not or learning so it was a complicated thing for me. I am still living with my mom too, as well as one of my sisters and my mom's boyfriend, though I was going to move in with my boyfriend but I wasn't very comfortable after I thought about it. We, myself and my boyfriend, moved very quickly which I admit was stupid, but it was my first relationship and I let myself go along with whatever he wanted.

We were only dating for about 2 months when I found out I was pregnant so it was very scary to me. And I started realizing that we were past stupid with how we had went about things like sex and communication. He ended up cheating on me and dating this other girl at the start of July, which was about 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant, though I didn't know until another 2 weeks after they started dating. Once I found out about the baby I was scared so i started staying at home more and was avoiding him because it felt like he didn't care about what I was thinking or feeling, and he seemed so sure of everything so it scared me more because I have learned things rarely work out unless you make sure it goes like it needs to. I guess when I started avoiding him he decided to start having sex with this new girl and moved her in with him, which i think is stupid because he is living with his aunt and uncle and his new girl just recently got out of an abusive relationship and has a 7 month old daughter.

Then maybe a week after he started dating her, while still with me mind you, he came and told me we shouldn't be together until we work things out. He also told me not long after I found out about the baby that he loved me. I didn't even find out about his new girl until about another week after me and him broke up and he acted like it was nothing and she was the one to tell me actually through his phone by text. Just before me and him had broken up he had also mentioned custody and that scared me too, so once she entered the picture I got pretty scared. I had even told him before that I loved him, and in my family we never say it unless we mean it as a real thing and i believed it should be that way, and I told him multiple times that i trusted him and that it was hard for me to trust guys because my dad was never around for me.

Come to find out later that he never loved me, he was only saying it because of the baby. And I also felt like he was just using me for sex because thats all we ever seemed to do and we barely talked because he was so quite usually. All we ever did while at his house was watch TV and have sex and it felt like thats all it was once I started looking back on things. And he didn't have a job or a car, though he has gotten both now, so it was hard for us to do anything but he never seemed to want to go anywhere anyways. And after we broke up I texted him and pretty much poured my heart out to him about everything I had been thinking and feeling, only for his new girlfriend to start texting me back about how I was lucky he wanted to be involved and how her daughter's dad had 4 other kids and was never around and how everyone was wanting to take her kid from her.

So of course I got upset with this stranger, who I saw as an enemy for taking my boyfriend from me, was reading what I wrote to him and telling me what I should be doing and feeling. I did get very snappy and rude with her for messaging me when my messages weren't meant for her, and my ex even said he got on to her for it too because she wasn't supposed to be doing that. Then later on, like a week later, he came out to see an ultrasound video I had had done and brought her with him though we didn't talk with her, she stayed in his car. Then I asked for him to come back without her so we could talk about everything that had happened without her or my family around. The next day he came out, with her and her daughter just before me and my sister were supposed to leave to go shopping with our dad who has recently shown back up. So we couldn't even really talk because everyone was around, so I requested he come out again the next day without her and he agreed. Well the next day I texted and she answered. After a bit she told me that there was no way he was coming to see me without her and her daughter.

The second time he came out, when he brought her to my house, he also had wanted for all of us to go to a nearby park so I could get to know her as well, even with everything that was going on. I flat out refused of course because I didn't want to get to know her, I wanted to know what was up between me and him only and see if there was a way to repair what had happened between us. I do regret not trying to talk to the new girlfriend though. I have learned that she has had a hard time and she is newly 18, whereas both me and my ex are 19 and going to be 20 before the baby is born. I am curious when it comes to her now though and have been starting to accept that she is not the problem and not who I should be upset with. Yes she started dating my ex when we were still together and all but I have no clue what he was telling her. He is a sweet talker and tells people what they want to hear, and is also a very good liar, so he is hard to figure out.

I have started to come to terms though that my ex is not someone I need to be with. I still love him, even though he seems so flaky with relationships doesn't mean I am. He was my first with almost everything; first boyfriend, first love, and first person I was intimate with. But I know better now then to blindly believe him and trust him. I have passed being sad and upset over our break up, and I am done being angry and hateful towards his new girlfriend, but I am still very angry and confused when it comes to him. It seems like he is still playing mind games with me though so its hard to know whats true and not with him. He is a drop out as well and has no care to get his GED, which I am working on doing, and also smokes weed because he has back problems. And he has tried telling me he will take the baby away if I try keeping it from him, which I have said several times to him that I won't and I am getting tired of reassuring him when I feel I have no reason to. He has been very insistent on being involved too, but its all just talk since he won't ever contact me first and doesn't seem to have any drive to do anything.

His mother even came over once about a month ago with him, because he had been refusing to come without his girlfriend to me. From what I know his mom told him and his new girlfriend that his new girl was not to contact me or talk to me anymore and if she tried to start crap with me I could call his mom, same for if my ex wouldn't step up about something and help. His mom told me though that she wants us to do joint custody, which I am against since I can't trust my ex and want to breastfeed. I also want my baby to have a stable childhood, not being passed from parent to parent every so often and seeing all of it's father's new girlfriends coming in and out. My ex actually wanted his new girl to meet me because she would be a part of the baby's life so he says, which I don't agree with since they had been dating for 2 weeks at the time and he seems very flaky on his relationships. His mom also said if we weren't doing things right then she would take the baby, which I know she can't do unless she can prove I am unfit which I am not.

I had an ultrasound done on the 1st and he did come out to see me after he knew I had pictures, just to see the pictures. We did talk a bit but he tried saying he didn't cheat, in front of my sister no less. My family pretty much hates him for everything he has done to me, they hate seeing me cry and think I deserve better which I agree with. So while he was here they were watching him and my sister was with me for a bit to talk to him. Then I talked to him alone about what happened but he was still very quite and seemed to just be telling me what I wanted to hear to make me happy. It honestly feels like, and my sister pointed it out to me, that it feels like he is keeping me on the back burner in case his new relationship goes down because he told me his girlfriend has been annoying him and had cheated on him in the start. Honestly I am just getting tired of being around his crap now.

My family pretty much all agree he should be involved after the baby is born somewhat, but he doesn't need to be completely involved in the pregnancy like with most couples because he cheated and screwed our relationship up. I do want him involved, but it feels like the more I am around him the more I keep going back to wanting him back and thinking I can change things to how I want them. I know taking him back would be stupid though, I don't need him as a boyfriend and how he has treated me won't change. Even my best friend hates him now, and she was defending him until she found out about the new girlfriend. None of my family or friends want me back with him. They believe I can do better and deserve better, and they are angry with my ex after everything. Part of me does want him back, but another part of me is so angry with him for how he has treated me and how he is acting. And I know after how much he has hurt me that getting back with him would only hurt me more, and then would hurt the baby and effect his or her's future.

Its been a very hectic time to be honest. And yes this is my first baby. Its still scary but as I get further along and gain more confidence in myself to be a good mother its started being more exciting. Its hard though because my ex wants to be involved with everything and he is not making this a happy time. I have been staying up until usually 4 AM now because I can't sleep. As soon as I lay down I start thinking about him and worrying and then sleep just won't come. Its like at night all my fears and worries and hopes crash down on me and its hard to tire my mind out enough to shut myself down to sleep. And then I won't wake up until like 2 in the afternoon so its driving me crazy because I feel weird getting up so late in the day. The last time I slept well was before me and my ex broke up, and its annoying as hell because before this I was very independent. I am still independent but I miss him sometimes and its hard to distance myself if I see him or talk to him. But I still feel like so much is left undone and not being said between us.

I am going to close this up now. I can't believe I wrote so much! A couple things I am worried about still though. I don't know if I should try being friends with my ex's new girlfriend or not, though I want to talk to her without my ex knowing so we don't have him getting between us talking. I also am still worried about how my ex is going to be with me, and if I am going to go back to him because I want to but know I shouldn't. Thats all for now I think, if I think up anything else I can always post about it later. I am glad to be here though, it's definitely going to be helpful hopefully with being pregnant and everything going on.