Me and my ex-pwbpd had a short but volatile relationship years ago now and I can honestly say after such a long time that I can finally say I am at peace.

Background: At the start of the relationship it was uncanny how similar we were. She loved playing music, she loved exercising and hiking. She was an avid reader and enjoyed getting out and about. She was fiercely independent of her finances. She knew I did not drink much nor did I partake in drugs. She stated she was a social drinker only. The sex was great. Intimate and loving.

Bit by bit as the relationship wore on the mirroring must have become exhausting. She has never learned to play an instrument. She hadn’t exercised in years, nor read a book . By the end of the relationship I was £16,000 in debt. She was a functioning alcoholic and regular drug user. Any challenging of this was met with gaslighting and arguments. She would use apps like Snapchat to torture me. Ghosting. Sending messages and then gaslighting me. snapchat became the bane of my life. Sex became a demand even as my libido faded due to me needing to feel beyond sexual attraction. Eventually it became purely about the rush of hormones and one of the only ways I was happy with her.

Ex-pwbpd had children and used them to bind me to her. As the relationship wore on, my ex-pwbpd must have sensed I was becoming aware of the state of the relationship so I was made to feel if I left her life as well as theirs may be in danger. Veiled threats about enough drugs being hidden in the house to kill 4 people. So I stayed. I cleaned the house, cooked the food, worked my job and cared for children that weren’t mine. Feeling that I could not leave children unsafe in that state.

Knowing I was resentful of the relationship must have triggered their feeling of abandonment because that was when the abuse went from covert to overt. My glasses were smashed and she tried to take me down the stairs. My arm was slashed in an argument with a steak knife. Trying to drive me into a road barrier. Fingernails left scars. So on and so forth. Not content with that she began waiting until I was asleep when I had work the next day and would pinch me until I woke up. She would do this all night until I went to work exhausted. She was very clever with it and I only worked this one out when I pretended to be asleep one night. Waking up in the middle of the night with her just staring at me from the foot of the bed and saying she was thinking about doing things to me so I would never leave. It became an anxious wait as I walked through the door. Would I be a god today? Or the devil? Would I be one for half an hour and the other for a day?

Finally it all came to a head in a single destructive month. I demanded she seek therapy. She refused. She began escorting. I was done. I knew I couldn’t leave unless the kids were safe so I phoned social services. I had a complete mental breakdown & her response was to cut herself badly, blame me for all of it and assault me until I finally responded so that when I tried to leave she could call the police and have me arrested.

She then phoned where I worked to try and get me sacked, went to my parents house and assaulted my mother before stealing my work laptop. She turned up at my house and made threatening comments. The police came out and she was breathalysed. She was many times over the limit and they found wine bottles hidden under the front seat of her car. I had to get a version of a restraining order. Until she was banned from driving I would go outside on my days off and she would be there, watching, before driving off.

The fallout:

She was blocked on everything. Especially Snapchat. Snapchat and me still have a… difficult relationship. But I have recently downloaded it and used it to connect with some old friends. Social services visited and found ecstasy, cocaine in significant quantities as well as wine bottles hidden under her pillow, bed and child’s cot. Turned out the apple and blackcurrant squash & elderflower cordial she was drinking in the morning and evening was not so. Children were taken off her and adopted by her parents. She wrote her car off and was banned from driving. She was sacked from her workplace. She lost her house. She continued escorting.

The recovery:

For a long time afterwards I would wake up in a cold sweat. If I woke up and looked at the darkness of my bed I could see her staring at me. Silver cars caused me to become hyper aware. Doctors had to prescribe me various medications. Honda cars caused me to freak out. Alcohol is a complete no no. I had to see someone for sexual addiction as it was the way she tried to ‘keep me’. I had to re-learn what a healthy relationship looked like. And I still struggle with elements of that. I panic at certain triggers and Snapchat the app is especially difficult for me. I had to rebuild relationships with people she had forced out my life. I had to come to terms with the trauma she had placed on others through me allowing her actions to affect them.

The outcome: It took a long time. But I’m now coming towards a happy place and am at peace with myself. Repaired relationships. Rarely think about her. When I do it is from a viewpoint of wishing she finds herself… but that herself is away from me ! I stay in contact with her mum so I know the children are safe and away from her. I have learned to drive after she refused to help me. Met fantastic people who have been patient throughout.

There is an after once you have cut them out. You can have compassion for them and wish them well but also want them nowhere near you. You absolutely should work on your mental health afterwards.

I’ll never forget that relationship and I know I’ll always carry the scars. But I just see myself as a piece of Kintsugi after that experience. I am flawed, imperfect and worn but these events helped shape who I am and should be embraced as development rather than resented bitterly.