I posted a bit ago about my pwbpd who cheated on me and wanted to go nonmono. Through the process I learned a lot about bpd and my own codependency. When I found out she cheated I was in a blind rage and texted her a bunch of nasty, though true things. In the end my tirade caused her to self harm and end up in the psyche ward...and I feel...awful about it. Despite believing that I had reason to be upset and that the things I said in my text tirade were all true feelings and facts I think I went too far and really hurt her. So much got pent up from the relationship, I felt I never was able to speak my mind because standing up for myself began to mean she would have some sort of an episode no matter how calm the conversation was. We fed off of and brought out the worst aspects of each other. It was truly a perfect bpd codependent storm. I'm learning to take accountability for why I was also a problem.

Anyway... She got her diagnosis 3 days after the breakup but I had always wondered if she had bpd. When she found out I dove deep into research and learned about the perfect storm of a codependent and bpd and that I am very much a codependent. It has helped me forgive the both of us for the messy relationship and I honestly feel like it helped me sort through the issues to realize that I don't hate her and that I truly love the person she is. I learned so much about myself with her.

I got so wrapped up in my research and as we know a lot of the commentary can be very negative and villifying of pwbpd. The mantra is go no contact. Well I tried that and failed and decided to go the other direction. She is continuing her non monogamous journey and has made it clear to me that she would like to be friends, so we tried it today and we didn't relapse on being intimate. We just had a movie marathon and hung out. And it was amazing and healing. I asked to sleep over and she kindly stuck to her boundaries and said no and I went home feeling peaceful. I'm deciding I don't want to hate her, and that I love the person she is and that I want to be around her even if it can't be the way I want. I'm going to keep trying to do this. She's been clear about her boundaries and expectations and so it's on me if I want to be around her unconditionally. She's a pretty bad bpd, but she's an absolutely lovely and forgiving person who I will probably still love for a little while, but I've decided knowing her is better than not. Mistakes and flaws and cheating and all. I'm feeling hopeful. If I can do this I think it would do wonders for my codependency and for hers. We'll see 🤞🏽

update: we had a good couple of days and talked through a lot. but today she just shattered me again. she posted on twitter that she's now in love with this guy after 4 dates and that she's never felt this kind of love before. it hurt so much because she never told her social media that she was in love with me, she only spoke about us in a sexual or joking way. we didn't say love until 3 months in. it hurts so bad because through our conversations the last two days i let her know i was still fragile and she admitted she still has romantic feelings for me but is taking the time to explore this new thing. she told me she wasn't going to be public about anything with him for a bit for my sake, and i said thank you because i don't know if i can handle it yet. then 2 hours after we got off the phone she expressed her deep love for this guy.

i know that its her bpd and love bombing, but it still hurts so much. it was another reminder of her selfishness and disregard/discard of me. now it feels like the last two days were her just trying to give herself that guilt free pass to act as she pleases. i'm holding strong and trying to process it. and look i know she's being unhealthy. telling someone you're in love with them after 4 dates and 10 days off of a seemingly deep relationship with me is very unhealthy. but it still hurts. the guy is also engaged and she told me his partner is having a really rough time with it. i'm scared she's gonna break up their engagement. i'm scared i'm just being used so she has someone else to get attention from and watch suffer. i guess i was being naïve.