While clearing the last few things out of the attic space in my stbx uBPD wife's apartment. I came across a box of memories I kept over the last 15 years. Things like cards, small gifts, photos and love letters.

Reading through the letters as an adult with the experiences I've been through and the therapy I've undertaken, they're not the romantic gestures I saw them as a teen. Each one is filled with insecurity, accusations and apologies. Every single one of them apologises for something horrible she had done or said and to beg for me not to break up with her over it. Telling me how she didn't mean it and that she was just upset, mad, jealous. It made me realise several things:

• Her doing/saying horrible things with the sole reason to hurt me is nothing new. It's been happening since the beginning of our relationship. I'd just become so accustomed to it by the end that it was normal. Or that's at least what she gaslit me to believe. My therapist has differing opinions on the matter.

• She controlled my attitude, my behaviour, my personality, my friends, MY LIFE for years under the guise that I was always putting other people before her.

She accused me of cheating or thinking that I was going to cheat continually and it has changed who I am as a person. I didin't make friends anymore as she'd only find a reason to dislike them and I'd have to cut them off or if they were a girl, accuse me of trying to get with them. I didn't have hobbies otherwise I cared about those more than I did my wife. In the end, I discovered it was her that cheated and hid it for a decade. It is her that joined dating sites while we were trying to work on her marriage. It's just so frustrating that I've lived as a passenger in my life for so many years and it's going to take me a long time to to trust others to the same level I thought I did with her. Over 18m seperated and no sign of dating on the cards for me - I couldn't lay that baggage on someone else. But boy, am I lonely.