It’s the start of week 3 here at the new apartment. I’m slowly starting to get used to things, but most everything still feels new and foreign. But what I’ve realized is that my ex used to get in my head so much that a majority of my depression was from him putting me down all the time... essentially, it wasn’t anything I was doing that made me depressed. It was him.

Every time I’d dress up, I’d be asked what “boy” I’m dressing up for. I was chatting with him on Saturday evening (we aren’t NC yet) and I casually mentioned that I shaved my legs and I was immediately asked why I did it then of all days (insinuating it was for my platonic male friend I was visiting earlier that day). We were video chatting that night (I wanted to show him something funny our shared cat was doing) and he immediately commented on the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra and that my nipples were showing. He immediately makes relentless comments about that.

Those are just a few examples. But my point of posting this is that since I have more time away from him, the time I do have with him, I realized how fucked it is. How disrespectful he is on a daily basis. How controlling and jealous he is. How he seeps anxiety from his pores and drips that anxiety and fear onto everyone around him. As well as anger (because of said fear).

I feel like the longer I’m gone, the less bullshit I’ll tolerate, and the more I realize he is a sick individual that needs a kind of help that I am unable to provide.

I need to find a partner with different baggage from me. His baggage is a little too close to home. It fucks with my mental health, and I’m so done with caring for other people above myself. It feels good to just care for me. Lonely, but good.

I’m just still shocked at how right my therapist was... that once I left I’d realized how toxic my situation was. I truly think half of my depression was resolved simply from removing myself from a situation that I now realize was extremely toxic for my mental health.

If you are reading this and want to leave, but haven’t left yet, please have the strength to leave.

If the thought of leaving sounds less scary than the thought of remaining unhappy for the rest of your life, you know it’s time...