And it hurts like motherfucking hell, so much that it feels like I swallowed a knife straight into my gut. She showed self awareness and regret when we were breaking up, she apologized for a lot of things and also asked me to never hurt other women the way I hurt her - which was by being inconsistent myself - going from devaluation to idealization ("I want to marry you!" vs. "I want to break up!") from week to week. I'm left confused, was I the one with BPD? Did we both have it? Did we both have a softer version of it, could it have been overcome? Why didn't I stand up for myself more? WHY DO/DID I LOVE HER SO MUCH? WHY DO I STILL WANT NOTHING ELSE THAN SOMEONE TO SAY "We found a parasite in her brain, it's gone now, she's lovely"?

I've cried about this for weeks. Silently, in the office, on the train, cuddling with her. I just know that this was the right decision, but I also know that she can't be having an easy time of things right now.