Another post here got me thinking about fairness in terms of pwBPD and when I realized what my metamour's idea of "fair" was, and what her idea of "generous" was, and I felt like I'd share.

There was a time when M (my uBPD metamour) and Harry (my partner) had a series of huge fights. I believe that these fights were because Harry was going on a long weekend vacation with a past partner of his (who is still a great friend of his, and sometimes-lover), and although M said she was fine with it, she actually wasn't, because his attention would be focused on someone other than her, all weekend.

The fights were during the week before he left on his trip with Past Partner.

Because of these fights (and despite us all living together), I barely had ANY time at all with Harry for that entire week. Finally, the night before he left on his trip, when M pulled her head out of her ass far enough to realize that I was seriously upset about something, and started freaking out about it, I lost my shit. I got totally pissed at BOTH of them, because during that prior week, I had a rather serious medical procedure done, and I had almost NO support from Harry because of the fighting.

Of course, once I was pissed off, M was all apologetic and "it's not me, there's something wrong with me, but it's not me!" and I basically insisted that if we were all to continue to live together, she needed to get therapy, which she agreed to (and then in her head, magically turned into "Harry and I need therapy" because once the crisis was over, the problem wasn't her, no, it was their relationship). I also said that I expected to be able to spend the majority of the day that Harry got back with him, since (by the time he got back), he and I would have barely any time together for close to two weeks, which she agreed to.

I decided to take work off the day he got back, which M wasn't happy with. She didn't say that, but she was clearly unhappy that she wouldn't have him completely privately to herself for awhile (meanwhile, she wasn't working, so the amount of time that Harry and I had together without her around was close to 0. She never went out). It was decided between the three of us that when he got back (around 7am) until noon, they'd spend that time together. Then he and I would spend the rest of the day together, go out on a date, and basically just enjoy our company together.

So, Harry gets back. He and M spend the morning together. When noon comes, he and I start spending time together. M says she's going to get a shower. About 20 minutes into that, we can loudly hear M wailing (above the sound of the shower), so Harry goes to see what's wrong. M is having a freakout about being unemployed and how she'll never have a job. So he spends half an hour with her, calming her down, and then she joins us to hang out.

Which is COMPLETELY not what was agreed upon. And also, at this moment, I can barely stand the sight of her.

So I go to the other end of our apartment, and lay down on the couch. It takes Harry awhile, but he realizes that I've disappeared, and he and M come to ask what's up. And I don't know how to say "M needs to fucking go entertain herself for the day, like we fucking agreed" (oh, the things I regret not saying). Eventually, she does go away, and he and I talk, and he's like "but what do I do when she's crying?" and I say "I know. I'm not saying ignore her when she's in pain, but FFS, whenever you and I spend time together, she's in pain. It's not fair to us". We talk a bit more, and hang out aloneish (M keeps coming back to "check on me", like she actually cares and isn't just trying to insert herself back into hanging out with us, ha!), and eventually, I say "let's go on our date" to H.

So we do. And that at least goes well.

But when we get home, M is all like "you guys just spent hours together, and today is a really bad day for me, because I don't have a job and I'm so sad that my life is so hard, Harry you must come comfort me" and he does (yes, it must be insanely hard to live in a situation where 2 people are supporting you when you don't have a job, so you can continue to live rent-free, and also also subsidizing all your food and bills. poor fucking you).

I spent the right of the night on this day that I'm supposed to spend with Harry alone. And I realize that M's idea of being "generous" (after I count up the hours we spent together) is a 50/50 split of Harry's time.

This got way longer than I thought it would, so TL;DR: I discover that my BPD metamour's idea of being generous time-wise is to split his time between us 50/50. This actually lines up with what I'd noticed over time, which is that her idea of time being split "evenly" is her taking up about 80% of his time, and me getting about 20%.

Man, some days I still really feel a lot of rage and anger towards her. She was such an awful person.