It's been 9 months since I blocked her and I've been doing all of the things in my healing journey, therapy, dieting, working, planning for school, praying and rebuilding my relationshipin Christ. You name it. I have been doing astronomically better than even at my 6 month point but I'd be dishonest if I said I don't think about her. I do. Realistically, likely everyday. We were together 3 years and I was building a life around what I thought was to be my future family, it wasn't ideal but I loved her so I excepted the fact that she's a childhood cancer survivor and there are lingering physical and physiological effects that come with that. What I was not prepared for was the BPD/NPD. How could I have known? I never even thought the disorder was common enough that I'd ever meet someone like that let alone a master manipulator. The movies misrepresent disorders beyond comprehension. But I digress.

After that relationship ended I told myself I was done. You're a 31 year old capable, childless, semi handsome man and you're life is ruined. Take time to rebuild. Restock. So I did. I'd even stopped talking to all of my other non reciprocal relationships where I didn't feel valued. It was so much easier to do in hindsight of the fall out with someone I thought was the love of my life. I did have a non serious platonic friend I met along the way which I saw no real reason to have romantic feelings.

Fast forward, we'd known each other a year or so. We'd hangout on occasion but nothing ever came of it...2 weeks ago she takes me home (my home) I'm sitting in the driver's seat. I go to get out of the car and she grabs my arm and says shut the door. "Okay what's u...". She kisses me. A big long nasty wet one. I pull back and I'm like "Bruh, what was that about". She tells me to shut up. Pulls me back. I can't even lie. I am in full red alert panic mode. I am not feeling this at all whatsoever. Completely unequipped for what just happened. I pull away and ask her. Like "what are you doing?" Fast forward, she says she'd been wanting to tell me something but was afraid to. I'm like. Dude I'm abrasive af you DO NOT have to be nervous around me. She tells me she has feelings for and was afraid to tell me because she initially didn't like me. Thought I was an ass and blah blah blah. I ask her what changed. She says that was turned out to actually be a good solid man and person and that my abrasiveness is just a self preservation mechanism. I tell, that she was absolutely right and I don't know if that will ever fully go away again. I'll likely never be as vulnerable as I thought anyone would deserve because it simply just never worked out. Ever. My perspective on love has changed drastically. As a man, my definition of love equals; sacrifice, integrity, discipline, provision, protection, leadership and responsibility. Nowhere in that do I have "falling in love" on my list. It just can never happen again. I explain to her what I've gone through and that I have nothing to offer her other than those things. I've lost everything else. I ask her what she wants from me. She said she wants to see where this goes. (unfortunately this statement has become a red flag for me) I told her if you can't be specific then I can't take a chance on fairytale love it's just not realistic. I did it and I ended up losing myself. I've spent too much time money and energy getting just to where I am to put myself at the whim of a woman's fleeting emotions ever again. She said she wanted the friendship more than anything but also had feelings for me and didn't want to chance it.

Fast forward; she's been fairly distant (which I was secretly hoping for) not sending me snaps near as often as she used to. This is yet another red flag for me because nothing has changed between us, why the sudden shift? I'm not even really that tied up into it but my nervous system is still recovering from the craziness of my bpd relationship which I'm aware of and I'm working on it. But I also feel like this is an unintentional set up.

To be honest, I've come to terms that I may very well die alone and I am getting more comfortable with accepting that. I can honestly say I have never been loved properly romantically but I do have some very awesome close people on my life that i consider to be good, bestfriends. I've started planning long term goals that involve risk and a lot less stability for a family, looking to become an expat in Costa Rica and working remotely once I graduate and clear all of my credit hours for certification.

I'm at that junction of being touch deprived but I want to be respected even more so. I feel as if I'm either unlovable or just straight up not worth it, but still deserving of something. I'm good and getting better but I can't say I put much faith in the value of receiving love. I will continue to give it because I am commanded to do so by God, but it also makes me feel good to give something I haven't received but know to define.

Sorry this post so long. Not even sure anyone would read it but I had to get that off my chest.