Hi all 👋🏽,

I just posted this in another community, in case you’ve seen it already. I am in need of some help and support.

My girlfriend (20) has BDP. Whenever we have any emotionally intense conversation she’s pushed into deep sadness and a depression-like state. It’s quite easy to empathise with her on that but it gets tricky when she’s messed up. Addressing her mess up and how it affected me ends up sending her to that state and what was supposed to be a conversation about what she did and my feelings ends up being about her and how she’s feeling. I have no idea how to navigate this.

I love her to bits. She’s an amazing human being, ball of love, energy and affection and she’s pretty strong given the things she’s been gone through at her age. While she’s strong, she’s equally vulnerable and needs a gentle hand when handling her. Which is tricky on its own because she hates being treated different and being given more lenience because of her condition. Which I respect, but doesn’t change the fact that she needs the careful handling. This has had me develop a balance between handling her gently but not patronising her and showing it.

This balance is especially difficult during intense conversations because if i don’t express my feelings, thoughts and emotions the “normal” way, she realises and it hurts her. But when i do then express them “normally” it sends her to the deep end and instead of us addressing what she did wrong and how i feel about it, i end up nursing her. Which leaves me feeling unheard and guilty for feeling like that.

I understand that this is how our lives will be till death do us part and i love her very much and am there for it. What i am lacking are the skills and knowledge of what to do. I need a healthy way to express my feelings when she’s wronged me without worrying about how it will affect her. I also realise that this will probably not be with her. Question is with whom? I cannot afford therapy, so it can’t be a professional. Talking to my close friend or brother feels like I’m airing out our personal business and i certainly don’t want them to look at her differently.

I am at a loss here. How can i go about this in a way that can be replicated in a healthy way throughout our relationship and eventual marriage?