I have recently come to terms with my codependent behaviors when in relationships. For the most part I am self driven and motivated when single. But for some reason I keep ending up in relationships/friendships with the helpless out of guilt. I no longer wish to do that. So I have been making it a point to ignore and block these people who are/have been in my life that I don't feel safe with and or end up prioritizing their needs. I have also recently made distance with the matriach of my behavior. My mentally ill mother. She was diagnosed with bipolar and DID, amongst other things. I believe her to be more histrionic but whatever. I'm getting ready to start school for the first time at 31(M) and this may very well be my last chance. It's state funded because of my PTSD diagnosis from my last relationship with exBPD. I'm taking this shot. I have to. I still feel guilt because who really wants to right off their mother. She did her best. But sometimes it's just not good enough. It's tough prioritizing yourself because it's almost reflecting the behavior of the people that harmed you and to be fair. I NEVER want to be like them. It's one of my driving forces.

I am also a Christian and have been renewing my relationship with God. It's funny how that works isn't it? Why must we always go through life altering changes, usually for the worst before we seek God? Anyway, I just needed somewhere to place these thoughts while at work. Maybe they'll initiate change in someone here for themselves.