I've struggled for hours deciding if I was to post here but I need to get this off of my mind and no one else would understand so here I is yet again.

It's been months since we last spoke or even seen one another. I initiated the separation. She's been blocked for 7.5-8months now. I haven't even so much as thought of another relationship after this. I'm lonely. Intimacy deprived. Depressed. My life is in shambles and I don't even have the energy to do anything about it. I hardly manage to put my feet on the floor for work in the mornings. I'm exhausted. I've spent my entire youth motivating everyone in my life that needed someone or just being a good friend/person to the people I love most (probably has something to do with being a parentified child).

I'm 31 now. I've lost everything. I know I need to start over but I'm just too tired. I have honestly dealt with my depression most of my life fairly well. Never been the "crash out" type. Have been acceptionally successful, never had the drug phase, the hoe phase, the emo phase. You know, the "normal"-ized stuff young people go through. But now I've finally hit rock bottom. I don't even know what I did to deserve being here.

I've been in therapy, I've taken my medicine, I had the big money career, I've faced my demons. All from nothing. No example to go by. No family support. I went to the gym.

Then she comes along. Of course...all of the shit. All of the shit we've all been through. My story has been posted here and I don't want to go through those details again. But today..

Today, I miss her. I'd been doing good. Not on my mind hardly ever as much. But today. I miss that friendship we had. The courting phase was great. That was part of the plan. Take things slowly. We had all the fun. Good honest, friendship fun. She had her moments but I let her deal with them as an adult. I addressed the issues that strained the relationship, we talked about it and made gameplans to communicate and tackle those issues in a logical, adult way. But then something changed. I fell in love. I was definitely certain. We confirmed the reciprocity in front of friends, strangers, family and so...I asked the question.

No. Not marriage but let's really make it official. I love you. I want to make a life with you. We have our disagreements. We (what I assume) to discuss them and get on the same page or agree to disagree and move on but. I am certain. I am in love with you. So be my girlfriend. Yes? Yes!? Hey, damn she actually said yes. This beautiful, sweet, and timid bitch said yes.

Checks the weather "This just in. You've just made things official. Breaking News titles turn on her quiet BPD and iniatiate narcicisstic abuse" She's now secretive. She's now (been) lying this entire time. Also she was a whore (unbeknownst to you). She's been cheating this entire time.

Why do I miss her might you ask? I. Don't. Fucking. Know. The loneliness after such a shattering relationship is more than likely it. Since Breaking up with her, I've had 3 ex's or ppl I've dated that just didn't work out (they were normal with healthy ppl gripes) all spin the block after realizing the men they'd much rather...weren't shit. Go figure. I've turned each of them down because. I'm not the simp you thought I was nor am I the broken woman healing factory.

Back to today. I miss the good times. I miss my friend that we used to travel and have fun. Trying other cultural cuisines. I miss having my ass grabbed while cooking in the kitchen. I miss the look on your face when I put you onto putting chicken skins in the air fryer (healthy bacon substitute, that ones free, y'all can have that one 😉). I miss rubbing and kissing your pretty little feet and you shyly covering your face. I miss your dog (my son as you put it). Ooooh how I miss that dog. Sometimes more than you. In hindsight, he knew you were nuts because when I'd get home he'd leave your side and never go back because he looooved him pop pop. I miss your/our family you ripped from because YOU just couldn't fucking control your impulses and delusional thinking. So you'd cheat. I have and would not have eeeeeever gone back to anyone after that. But for you? I tried it. What would a good husband do? I go into every relationship like a husband. My one deal breaker is cheating. Not only did you cheat. You lied about it. TWICE while bringing it up. The second time you quadrupled down on the lies and I have never in my life seen such a devoid look on human beings face. You...you are a monster and I hate you. I hate you because you've initiated such a deep repulsion in my soul that I have never felt before. I hate you for "making" me hate you. I hate you because I hate that I loved you. I hate you mostly because.

I miss you. Goodbye.