This will be a mixed post, a little bit about my experience, how I preserved myself, how I'm coping, hell just a little bit about everything, enjoy:

Timeline:

-> Met one year ago in May (hooked up almost immediately, love bombing began)

-> 3 months in she goes to detox/rehab (spilled the truth that she was a heroin addict and prostituting herself)

-> 4 months in leaves detox (says she knows I truly love her now for sticking by her side and that she loves me (hooks have been set, my defenses are extremely high))

->8 months in (cheating continued, drug use continued, promised change and was court sentenced to rehab, again, I continued to stick it out in hopes of change)

-> 11 months in leaves rehab moves to sober house (saw the most progress here, was working, getting therapy, more communication but extremely controlling and possesive, emotionally and physically draining for me the amount of time I was spending with her)

-> 12 months in struggling at work, relationship was rocky (I suspected she was still cheating, lots of projection coming from her end, I broke it off because it seemed like I got an STD and was the final straw)

-> 13 months in she relapsed (lost her job, relapsed, moved back in with an ex and is on the run from parole. Her ex exploits her sexually and passes her around to different men although she seems to not mind it)

My tools early on:

1.) By month three when she spilled her "secrets" my head was spinning, nothing made sense. So her being away gave me time to research and put the pieces of the puzzle together, it lead me BPD & NPD.

2.) I learned gray rocking was my best defense (which it was) and shielded my heart and emotions with the goal of her getting help within the next few months

3.) By month eight, my gut instincts were telling me she was still cheating and I stuck by it regardless of what she was telling me. Still pushed onward with her battling her heroin addiction and "sex addiction".

4.) Month 11-12 got a bit weird. She was doing all the right things she needed to do with therapy, meetings, working, etc. etc. but admitted she may or may not have had a few slip ups with cheating but said it's something she's working on. The controlling behavior ramped up tremendously because she felt I was going to leave her. She began saying she did cheat, then she didn't cheat but was just saying she did cause I stayed with her last time. Began blame shifting/projecting saying I'm cheating, I'm the liar, I'm the projector. Physical abuse ramped up as I threatened to leave her a few times and she absolutely lost it and beat me with a vape and another time a cell phone. Fucked up as it may seem, I always laughed it off and told her she hits like a girl. I learned another valuable tool during this time, I did not trust or believe anything she told me whether it was the truth or a lie. This really dismantled all her attempts at regaining any sort of control.

5.) Month 12-13 I got what looked to be an STD (still awaiting lab results) and broke it off with her. Her world collapsed (narcissistic injury most likely) and she quit her job, relapsed, became homeless and fell into prostitution and gambling to make her money. She just recently went back to her ex and has been using meth which is keeping her up for days in psychosis. I rescued her one time so far, she was at a very shady house out in the country side that had 5 guys there, a noose in the front yard and they gave her drugs that was making her sleepy. She sent out her location to a bunch of people as she was worried she was going to be trafficked (being raped she was ok with, she has rape fantasies and would've loved for that to have happened). I picked her up, got her safe for a few days and sent her on her way and blocked all numbers.

Coping:

I'm finally away, back to the gym, back to my hobbies, back to trying to grow and meet new people. I do monitor her facebook messenger as I have access to it and she knows this just in case she needs help again. It's inevitable that she will go back to jail in the near future or potentially overdose and die. My biggest fear is her being trafficked because she is sexy and promiscous and will go with random men to have a good time. None of this stings as much because of me gray rocking early on and protecting my emotions and having set a clear goal and timeline. I did let my insecurities get the best of me through months 4-11 because my gut was telling me she was still cheating and I wanted her to admit it (only lead to her gaslighting and projecting on to me). I wish I had the tools of not believing anything she was saying that I figured out to use in months 12-13, would've saved a lot of unecessary arguing. I found what helps me is to journal in the form of notes to her, I try to keep them positive and let her know I was truly trying to help and that I hope she figures things out one day. It's all I can do at this point, almost like talking to someone who's dead and gone.

Note:

(it's important I tell you her story at the end here, we may feel like we were the one's mistreated/abused/broken but really it usually comes back to someone with a fucked up childhood and we should all remember that these are humans who are hurting. Their story is as important as ours and we need to understand that it truly can be a tragedy that people are abused and destroyed so early on in life. This I know is what kept most of us around when the love faded and we stuck because we felt bad.)

Her Story:

At the end of the day I do feel bad for her, I feel like life never gave her a fair chance due to her parents abusing her so badly as a child (truly abusive; beat her, neglected her, purposefully lied about what was right and wrong, potential sexual abuse up until the age of 9 when she was adopted). Her adopted family, although being extremely wealthy, had issues. Her stepfather was a pain killer addict. Her mother was a religious fanatic/meditation guru. Neither of the two who she could truly connect with or feel loved, but the situation was much better. Her step mother was a blessing in disguise (her birth father left her and her birth mother was an addict who had a boyfriend that pimped her out and abused her children, 3 in total). But her stepmother taught her to self reflect, meditate, become self aware. By the age of 18 and perhaps before then, she knew she was a monster on the inside, she was aware enough to know what she does and why she does it and what she is trying to protect. She knows heroin and sex are ways for her to cope and that love and emotions are things that are extremely hard to deal with. She also knows love hurts her, she knew with me from the beginning that she was going to be hurt and called me her "karma". By the end of our relationship she became cold, hateful, angry, every negative emotion you could think of towards me. But she knew why, she wanted me to hold her, to comfort her, to love her and when I did, trying to ease her pain, she would cry and say I was hurting her. I don't cry too often but knowing that love can hurt someone and knowing the trauma that caused it and ruined her life just strikes a chord within me. I realized at that moment the only way she could move on and protect herself was to hate me more than anyone in the world. I accepted it was going to end that way, and sure enough as I was dropping her off, never to see her again, she threw a cup of ice water on me (to get one last ruse) and I proceeded to throw a full cup of ice coffee on her...... thankfully it didn't escalate beyond that but as I sat there I could tell she was stalling, she didn't want me to leave. I was the closest thing to feeling love she'd ever had in her life. I knew this, she knew this and as I sat there watching her go all I could think is that I love her dearly but sadly she will never know.

P.S. If you ever read this, I hope you are in a better place. I hope you are happy. I hope you've found help and are on the right path. If not, I hope we meet again in heaven and enjoy eternal love for one another. Love you.