Bro. I just want my fucking brain back. I have been out of that whore's life for 6 months now. I have been in two kinds of therapy each once a week. I have been going to the gym at 5am and going to work for 7am. I keep myself busy all day. I bought a dog to preoccupy me with responsibility and distraction. Yet still. I'll be good for 3 weeks and then bam! A full week of brain chaos. I can't believe I let this bitch into my life. I feel so gross all of the time. I'm tired of people looking at me like a Vietnam shell shock vet. My finances are ruined. My credit is ruined. I lost my career that I spent my entire 20's working towards this position. I have to completely start my life over and that monster is walking around town dragging my name in the dirt, calling me a psycho. After ruining my life simply because she kept hers hidden by ommission. How could no one not know? Why did no one warn me? All of her fly monkeys sat there and watched in silence.

This is simply a venting post. I am aware this sounds unhinged and unhealed. I have been putting in the work. But this experience is simply something I can't work out at the gym. I can't drink it away. I can't sex it away ( because I have been sexually/intimately repulsed). At 31 years old I have been destroyed. I know longer know who i am. I know longer value romantic relationships (wasn't really dying to get into one in the first place). Now I don't know if I'll ever get MY brain back. I have nightmares of that stupid fucking blank dissociative stare and I really just want to pull up to her grandma's house and punch her in the fucking face until my hands fossilize. (I'm also aware that sounds violent)

This is meant to be an expressive post. I have been denying myself of this for months now avoiding the anger. Thinking I could take the higher road and be forgiving without first addressing the anger. I needed this moment. I hate her. I do. I really fucking hate her. I never thought I could hate anyone in my life.