So I've posted before about my breakup with a really wonderful woman who also happens to have BPD. I say wonderful and I mean it--one half of her is the most supportive and incredible influence my life has ever known. Her other side is easily the most toxic partner I've ever had.

I'm still very much in love with the better part of her, but have basically cut off anything but the most bare bones contact while I continue moving my things out. The other night she tried offering to leave me some mushroom chocolates she got and was bragging about going to a shroom dispensary. Meanwhile, I'm staying at my parents house with my two daughters because she kicked me out 2 months earlier than promised, crying my face off because my love and anger for her are swirling so much I'm often physically ill. I asked her to stop texting me for the night because I was sad and missed her and I just couldn't talk. She got it and left me alone.

I realized this week that what I am experiencing must be close to what compulsive gamblers feel. I never quite knew how she would receive me; with love or anger. So I'm sitting here craving that rush of hitting the jackpot for a sweet sweet love bomb, reminding myself that most of the time, within the context of that relationship, I usually felt empty and alone anyway.

I hope anybody going thru this kind of thing can find comfort in the fact that at least when we're alone we know exactly what we're getting and have no more reason to worry.

I hope you have peace and if you need anything holler.