Feeling gross today. Last night she asked me how I was doing. I said ok. Just ok. That’s just how I feel these days. Then she asked if I wanted sex. I said no, I’m not ready for that. She then started asking me if I masturbate. I said yes sometimes. She asked about what. I told her. She then sort of placed my hand in her crotch and wanted me interact with her. I tried. We did have sex but I felt gross and not okay with the situation. She got on top and I couldn’t stay hard. She asked me if I wanted her to get off. I said yes. We laid there in silence.

Today just feels gross and humiliating and wtf is wrong with me? I wish she would have just accepted when I said I wasn’t ready. Hard to concentrate on work today. I want to crawl into a hole and wither away into dust.