It wasn’t a good conversation but it could have been worse. I opened with an apology and explained it was because I had anxiety from her being out late. She parried with how she has always gone out late and it never bothered me before, and besides, it wasn’t THAT late. I acknowledged both facts, but told her that things hit different now. She said I could have just called and talked to her about it. Yet another instance of my poor communication. Fair point. Then she brought up my screwup from 6 years ago. I acknowledged I had been selfish and apologized for that. Then she said she had been lonely for a long time. I said I was sorry that I made her feel that way. We got on the topic of how I’ve been miserable for a while now (depression, loss of a loved one, job struggles) and it has made it hard for her to communicate with me. She said she hated seeing me miserable and she hated being miserable. We both said we feel empty. She said she has no joy anymore. Then she said she felt like I resented her for moving goalposts (about having children), and I acknowledged that I did. I also said that it was fucked up of me to hold something like that over her and how that must put a lot of pressure on her.

Then she asked if I wanted to be with her. I said yes. She asked if I was sure. I said no. Then I said I hated myself for feeling that way. She said that wanted to be with someone isn’t something that a person should be unsure about. She hates that she thinks I feel some sense of obligation to be with her rather than wanting to be with her. But I shouldn’t hate myself.

Then we just sort of laid there and she’s a few silent tears. I said I wished I could travel back in time to before all the small fuckups. She said that’s not how life works.

Then she brought up how maybe she should just leave. Go do something that might give her a sense of purpose and give me space. I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. I said nothing. That frustrated her, so I told her I wasn’t sure what I felt.

She talked about wanting to sleep and never get up. I told her sometimes I feel that way too.

And then we laid there again. There are few things as awful as being next to your loved one and feeling five time zones apart.