So yeah. Exactly the title. I had a really bad reaction to my new birth control, three months into no contact had so many dreams and thoughts about how I still love him and was dissociated and sobbing for multiple days, so new years hit and three hours later I, filled with mentally ill joy, sent him a text.

I told him I’ve been thinking about him and hope he’s doing ok even if I’m probably the last person he wants to hear from right now. We caught up a bit, and ended up calling, we talked for 3.5 hours and most of it was him telling me about his new gf. He sounds healthier, he’s not smoking weed or cigarettes anymore, he’s sworn off cheap alcohol and isn’t suicidal, he actually wants to play video games again (thank god, that was actually my main indicator to him having gone off the deep end mentally) he’s got a new dog and he got the tattoo I designed covered up (I still have mine, the one I swore wasn’t technically a matching one but I really need to see my main therapist again soon).

My negatives I’ve picked up on are him and this new girl are planning to move in together already, she only turned 18 in October (when we went no contact) and he’s 20. She already lives with him and his family 3 days out of the week because her grandma(?) kicked her out and was going to send her across the state otherwise. They’ve already had some big fights he told me about and he spit on her to prevent himself from hitting her when she wouldn’t stop making jokes about him being a pedophile because of their age difference when they were drunk(why he swore off alcohol. Gave me a moment of shit you couldn’t do that for me? Crazy.) He said that her crazy and his crazy “evened out” and they “made each other stable” but that’s about verbatim what he has told me about me in the past.

Anyways this girl has some serious issues of her own and has been in group homes at least the past couple months, so even though I’m a broken people pleaser who does care that she refers to me as “crazy bitch” I forgive it. Just worried like watching a train crash that his borderline and her bipolar and whatever else are gonna blow up but they’re gonna be stuck together. Like those Eagle death drops and they don’t let go.

Point being, I felt some control because I chose to text him, and I don’t feel responsible for him because he’s got a shiny new relationship and for a while, at a distance, I can have one of the friends I miss back.

I really don’t want any comments about how I should’ve maintained no contact, or that I should reinstate it, because I’m not focusing on that aspect and have my own bigger, personal issues to deal with. Would love some validation that this is a doomed new relationship that’s going to mirror my own with him, because otherwise my spiraling (which is 5x worse because I’m staying at my parents house in my childhood room for the holidays) is going to focus on how I really was the problem in our relationship and I might actually be a narcissist because I loved his obsession with me so much.

Sincerely, I’m trying my hardest and it’s literally so fucking difficult