I am someone who has always found comfort in chaotic and unhealthy relationships. My mom has BPD, and I was definitely exhibiting bpd traits before I began going to therapy. I am luckily in a place now where I am more self aware and less selfish.

I was in a long term healthy relationship with my amazing partner, however due to many outside circumstances we had to break up. For the last 6 months I’ve been talking to this girl who I’ll call ‘M.’ Since the beginning she was very hot and cold with me, and while initially I was interested in her, the cat and mouse game arew old extremely quick. I wouldn’t hear from her for days and then she would text me out of the blue. Sometimes I texted her back, sometimes I didn’t. I think what really got her attention was the fact I didn’t care. I wasn’t sitting around, waiting for her text. I wasn’t chasing her. If she didn’t text me, I didn’t text her.

Things continued like this for a while, with her occasionally texting, and me occasionally replying when I was bored. Unfortunately, my heart betrayed my brain and I began to develop feelings for her as we began to grow closer and talk on a more regular basis. Although M was the one interested in me first, I think I fell harder. But we argued at least once a week, she always made it feel like it was my fault, or she would play the victim if I pointed out her wrongdoings as well. She’s swore to never text me again at least 6 times at this point but she always comes back. I’m not sure if she’s talking to other women, she definitely could be although she’s never tried to rub it in my face which knowing her, she would. However, she can go hours without texting me and she claims it’s because she’s easily distracted. Yesterday, I was vulnerable and I paid the price because she decided we should stop talking. She pushed me away yet again. I swore to myself this would be the last time but, I know she will be back.

This whole thing sucks, because I genuinely liked her but I know a relationship between her and I could never work. I also know she is not willing to change. It’s a back and forth relationship where she leaves me only to come back with an apology. Every time she comes back with an apology I give her another chance, cause I feel loved and wanted when she gives me her full attention. But when she leaves, she just hurts me over and over again. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still desperately checking my phone, wishing that every text was her. I haven’t felt this obsessed with someone since I was in high school. I feel absolutely insane.