It's been over a week since I've posted any updates, and it's been a month and a few days since I broke up with my ex.

I feel fine. Just fine.

Thinking about her and all the things I always ignored, all the things she said and did, something to laugh for, for how much ridicolous and stupid it was. And how blind and strong willed i was to keep this going. I knew it was toxic even when I was with her, but only once I got discarded i actually see how much she played me, how much I let her make me her fool.

But this made me even realize how much deep i was with her. I would've forgive everything, and I did. I forgave everything and was even about to forgive a cheating and how rude and bitchy she was with me at the end.

The truth is that I would've always fought for her, no matter what I truly believed it was worth it but there is a limit to this. I gave her everything and more, I gave up my self love and dignity for someone that now I can only feel disgust and pity, and this may even sound bad or cruel on my part but actually I feel this is the right emotions i should feel.

Like I don't care anymore? She is with another one? Picked and choosed her over me? Ok? Honestly even the plan to wish her happy birthday just to at least have her back in my life at least as friend, now is something I don't even want to do, even tho I still fear i could.

The thought of her coming back is not anymore something I hope for but something I really don't want to happen, like just fucking stay away from me thanks?

And I am not even saying all of this with rage or feeling mad, no at all. Just really tired of all of this? I don't have energy nor I want to deal with her anymore. For the first time I am glad she is not my problem anymore.

Probably if I see her i would act like probably not able to keep it and laugh at her face not even greeting her and keeo walking?

I feel more confident on what I deserve at least and damn i don't know what I could've ever did to deserve to met her. I actually don't even know anymore what I liked so much about her? She is such similar to everyone else, even less worth than who gave me the same sweet meaningless words.

I thought that being over her meant accept and still be considerate of her feelings. But I feel nothing but like avoid a cockroach. And I mean those words with zero harm or hate too.

If she found a way to help herself, good for her i guess but I don't care anymore. Still think that not all people with BPD are like that. Fuck people with BPD have a bad reputation for people like my ex.

But even after this kind of level up, the way she messed me up didn't change.

I am not the same as before and I don't know what I become.

I have like zero patience with everyone. I don't chase anymore. I need someone to act a little off or not interested to lose all interest too. If someone treats me a little bad i just stop nor insist. Like people who only want your attention when they are bored. And probably i am not so much different because all I need is just a mistake and I will start to search new people to talk to again. I am not givin my best or my all to anyone.

Want to stay? No? Ok bye, next please. To put it short is how I am behaving.

I am totally more closed up than i was before meeting her. Jokes and sarcarsm are just a way to not be serious with people. Just going with the flow but I feel seasickness. Because I wish so bad to trust someone new again but it's like physically can't.

Inside i have repressed anger but I no longer have someone or something to point it at. I just feel ambitionless and without a glimpse of motivation. I keep going because I can't stop time but I am so bored and tired of this feeling that I don't even link to my ex anymore.