I have been out for almost a month and keep having new realisations.

Can you imagine that maybe it wasn't my fault ny clothes made sounds when dragging against each other during hikes? That it is not something to start fights over in order to call out what a horrible human being i am for wearing clothes, next to her.

Can you imagine that maybe it isnt my fault for reacting with depression when she would switch between despicing me and adoring me? That it hurt a lot when she would go between "I love you more than anything, you are the best thing to ever happen to me!" and "I honestly dont think I love you anymore I feel nothing but disgust when you touch me and I wish you would just disappear from my life!".

Can you imagine that maybe I wasn't being abusive and stonewalling when I would go into freeze mode as an acute stress reaction because anything I did or said would just escalate her meltdowns? That maybe it was more about being so far down into despair my whole being would just freeze, than it was about stonewalling her.

I have a tightness in my chest that I have had for the past 1,5 years. Whenever I try to mindfully breathe into that area it feels like I am about to break, split in two. And every time I try, I start crying and new scenes from our relationship comes out into the open. It is a slow process, but I believe at some point I might feel relief. That I am out, that I am free. Who knows maybe I will even be able to feel authentic again.