Hey all!

I recently found this subreddit and can honestly say that just knowing I am not alone gives me so much.

2 years ago I met a lovely woman, she seemed so wonderful in all kinds of ways. But it rather soon became apparent that she was struggling with herself. She told me she was diagnosed with BPD and I was fine with that, I was in a really good place and for sure thought I could handle the extra effort of keeping her mood stable.
Now after two years I don't really recognize myself anymore and I have pushed my boundaries of what is ok so far I don't really know where they are anymore. I really don't think she does anything out of maliciousness but she has been so lost in herself that she hasn't really had any control.

I'm constantly questioning myself whether I am actually a good person or not, and find myself back in a depression worse than it has been in many years. So now I need to balance myself as well as try to validate her because "she doesn't know what to do with me, and I don't really fullfil her needs like this". So she gets sad, and I am just numb trying to comfort her.

There has been so many instances where I have been neglecting myself to cater to her instead.

Like when my dad fell ill and we for sure thought he was a goner. While I called the ambulance to pick him up and go with him to the the emergency I also had to comfort her because him being ill reminded her of a person from work (elder care) and she was super distressed. Or when I have heart to hearts with siblings about past trauma and she hears about it she gets so pissed when I won't tell her their stories (I don't believe they are mine to tell).

The times I have had to comfort her for failed relationships (we are polyamorous), relationships that had they worked out I probably wouldn't have been a part of her life anymore.

Beginning of this year I was balancing being broke, studying, working, being homeless (managed to move in at my dads place) and constantly being told I wasn't doing enough for her, wasn't fulfilling her needs (I was the one making any money, I was the one that managed to get us a room to sleep in at my dads place while rebuilding our/my finances), so I got exhausted, too exhausted to be the one to keep her steady, which resulted in her pressuring me into breaking up. For a week. Then somehow we were back together. I managed to find a flat and she moved into it (I have family to stay with here, she doesn't) and I pay for it until she can manage herself. We decided we would retry as a live-apart couple, since I don't really want to see her other partners or have anything to do with them, and she needs her own space.

Fast forward to now, I'm still very exhausted, I still struggle financially since I am paying for myself and her rent. I struggle to find work. I struggle with studying. And she keeps asking for validation, she keeps putting me down for being out of battery as she wants the old me back (the fun person), she gives me shit for not asking her to help me and when I tell her she can't really help me since it is an internal problem of depression that I need to figure out, but she can support me by just being there - she moves it to her being unfulfilled again. I seriously question whether I am a good person since she is hurting so much.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to say or how to help her.
She is doing an education at the moment and they had an in person meet-up, she got super-stressed out because everyone else was so annyoing there (her words not mine), she called me and basically despair crying and I didn't know how to comfort her as she needs different things everytime she is like this and one wrong move is basically setting off a landmine, so I froze, I validated what she was saying but couldn't really help her. Now I get to hear that she called another partner and he was so much more helpful in fixing her mood and she said less and less she thinks of me being able to handle her.

She has accused me of being toxic before and that really stuck with me, but intellectually I know I am the one of us whom never laid hands on the other, I am the one of us who haven't had rage outbursts where things have been broken. But still I feel like a horrible person.

I'm just hurting and needed to vent, if this doesn't fit here then please remove.