Hey hey!

I am fairly new to this form. I tried connecting and looking for answers, but I think I am going to need an impartial and unique perspective on my own situation so here I go.

I am a 25/M dated a 27/W (with two kids) and around the time we started 3 months, she told me her dad firmly believes that she has BPD and she thinks so too, But it's undiagnosed or treated. She kinda rejected the idea of therapy because it would make her "crazy" in the eyes of her family. So To my amazing stupidity and to maintain the fantasy I just brushed it away after reading about it a little and said "NAAA it's fine, I don't think she has it"

2 years in and after getting cheated on in more than a few ways, I started to make her feel bad about it, I expected her to feel "guilt" and work on things with me, not knowing that the furthest she can go in her mental capacity is "shame". That's when she turned on herself, started self-splitting, she thought she was the most horrible person ever, so... she started cutting, very badly and blaming me for it every single time. I can't tell you how mortified I was when she carved my initials on her wrist with a razer... she that did twice without me knowing and being away, I told her that if she does it a 3rd I am leaving... that was enough for her to see me as abandoning her, big NO NO! for BPD that I didn't know at the time.

She decided to call it quits... she was "striking first" in her mind, By the most brutal way possible (and I was cage fighter) but i've never seen such brutality, she just straight up told me that "I doesn't care if you lived or died and you never meant anything, go die", like a week after that happened. She split me, it was scary as fuck because it was in a very... psychotic way, i was the devil, a few days ago I was everything and now I was that. Of course it messed me up because I was so sucked in. She was the center of my attention 24/7 for two years. I was the regulator of her emotions, the father, and the mother, the one she saw the world through and tested reality through, all of it made me grow dependent and finding meaning through being her caretaker . The fantasy was broken, and so was I.

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So here I am,4 months in therapy after things got really bad after the break up. I just couldn't function so I had to go therapy, I got better ,I educated myself about BPD, I threw hours and days reading academic studies ,books, therapy groups for survivals of BPD, codependent anonymous and watching videos of real doctors and trusted professors talk about it, I think I've gotten some level of profound understanding for it with a 300 hours investment into it. I Also found some sort of sick comfort in knowing that no matter what i've done, I had better chances of curing cancer than making it work with a PWBPD that wasn't going to therapy and I (to some degree) didn't even know that she really had it because refused to get it diagnosed or go to therapy. That the subsequent discard had to come after being idolized because I can't maintain the fantasy, because reality keeps creeping in.

So, now that I get it, I find it hard not to feel sympathy for the crushing emptiness she feels. The horrible fear of loneliness. Being stuck in a fear of engulfment and abandonment in a never ending cycle. The lack of object constancy. It's hard to take any of it personally really, I know that she has some control over it and it's not all impulse, that's why defense courts don't take BPD as a mitigating circumstance, it's still very difficult not to react to seeing a human being in so much pain even if they don't show it.

So, down the walk of shame I go.... I... didn't block her. Yes I know!!! but I have my reasons . I think since she ended things, she blocked me and unblocked me nearly...34 times? has to be more but I lost count. But she keeps unblocking me to check up or sometimes straight up just to ghost me???? knowing that it's mostly factor-2 secondary psychopathy , I know I won't find a logical reason behind it. She didn't want to seem to get back together, sometimes she just straight up trash me lol, but she didn't want to me to leave... The "I hate you don't leave me" cycle was on.

All feeling were lost on the 27th of December she unblocked me to tell me that she found someone new, "a new new daddy" now because this like 2nd attempt to make something work after me within the 4 months that we broke up in. the cycle remains the same, go away for a couple of days after saying something shity, comeback saying "things are not going great, I don't feel like i want to live anymore" followed by "I got a tattoo on my wrist to cover the cuts you put on me, a reminder that I survived you like cancer" with the picture of the tattoo of course, followed by " i will never have what we had together, it was magic" and i just kinda tried to explain to her that she needs to go therapy and work on herself, you know, heal the inner child kinda stuff? Because it don't really hurt me or anything, just meh and I feel sad sometimes about it.

As much of a Zen master i am trying to be and understand her condition, and Dismiss everything horrible she said and did as "acting out" as in a child acting out (because of the arrested emotional stability) , I need to break folks! I know that blocking her would mess her up even more and i am afraid of the result, the two kids she has don't deserve the suffering, I think they suffered enough. So How Do I kindly and gently tell her that I really am abandoning her and her worst fear is true? without messing her up. Because So far I still am some island of stability for her, she comes and goes whenever she wants, in and out of my life and it don't really mean much to me anymore. For me, it's more about being an enabler for a self destructive behavior and I feel that I am keeping her stuck in this loop, while she has other loops going all at once, I feel that it is going to blow up very soon. Seems that I am dammed if I do and Dammed if I don't, it weighs heavy on me so much of the time. I still feel guilty about her cutting herself that way, and covering it up with a tattoo, I feel horrible about most of it but that part gets to me at night.

Any ideas are welcomed, any comments, nice or not.

Thank you for reading.