It was in June last year.

In December I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally set and held a boundary that I knew she wouldn't want to meet, she didn't and told me openly that "it sounds like hard work" so I took that exit, and walked away. 2 weeks later she sent me a mean text message on Christmas Eve recycling a thing I'd done in the past to tell me how she still minded it "but won't let it overshadow our whole friendship". Which obviously she did and wanted me to know to hurt me or to provoke me.

I was in such a headspin on Christmas Day from that, wow. At the end of the day I noticed I'd disassociated all day from ruminating so much over our whole friendship of 3 years. On Boxing Day, I let her have it by email and said I couldn't believe she'd sent me that message not only after we agreed to end things, but on Christmas Eve... Only to ruin my favorite holiday of the year. I requested that she not contact me again because she openly admitted to me that our friendship felt like too much "hard work" so I was out. She replied with her classic line "that was never my intention but I do mind it and it felt right to me to tell you".

That's the 'secondary psychopathy' trait where she genuinely feels okay with herself for what she did even after knowing how much it hurt me and ruined my day. I find it absolutely wild that level of a lack of empathy. I'm autistic so also struggle with cognitive empathy like borderlines do, but even this is unfathomable to me.

Anyway, I recorded the audio of that therapy session back in June on my phone to listen back to after to take notes and get the names of the resources if there were to be any. And I did listen back to it at the time and put things into practice.

Yesterday I listened to it again with a fresh pair of 'ears' so to speak, knowing what I know now and also knowing that even though I still feel like I love her deeply, I can't ignore the fact that I'm not a hyper sensitive anxious mess anymore because she's not in my life constantly throughout the day needing attention, emotional support and validation from me.

And I heard it very differently. I was almost screaming at myself and my therapist (who was her therapist too, because I referred her to her - this is unethical right?!) to wake the fuck up. I said to my therapist "I can't talk to any of my friends or family about this because they won't understand the responsibility of what it means to be a Favorite Person to someone with BPD" and my therapist said "of course, that's why you pay a professional who does understand" i.e. Her.

I couldn't listen to more than 18 minutes of the 50 minute recording because I got so angry. There was so much focus on what I needed to do to manage my anxiety on my own and not bring up issues with my ex-best friend so I'm not a burden to her. There was a focus on me figuring out if I'm tired so I don't see her in case I snap at her from walking on eggshells, and how that would affect her. What about my needs exactly? Where am I in all that?

Wow.

Edit: I have since shared with some close friends and they said they would never tell me to not come and see them if I am tired. They said we should just be ourselves together however we may be feeling, and even if we're tired it's okay to hang out. They said your friends should make you feel better, not worse.

Yep.