Every time I start feeling emotionally stable, they suddenly pop up saying they miss me or want to chat. But here's the catch: as soon as we start talking, they get all worked up on their own, bringing up past issues that can't be fixed or we have already discussed (I try to stay neutral and keep things light, so I know I'm not pushing their buttons).

For example: the other day, I met up with them wearing a new outfit I bought at a thrift store. They loaned me some money that I am in the process of paying back. They flipped out when they saw me, going off about how selfish I was for splurging on clothes while I still owe them money. They've got all my warm weather clothes at their house where I lived, and I haven't been able to get them back.

Then they'll storm off in a huff, telling me to never to contact them again. And if I'm weak and send them messages explaining or defending myself, they'll accuse me of being emotionally abusive and disrespecting their boundaries. Just the other day, they called me to tell me to stop responding to their messages and how my responses in defense were making them feel worse.

For instance: after one of these encounters they sent me a message saying that neither of us is in the right place for any kind of relationship. They claimed they're not right for me, and despite those moments where we miss each other, they believe those versions of ourselves never existed. They said they were worried about leading me on by being friendly. They said that it wasn't up for discussion and that they didn't want any communication or response to their message whatsoever.

Unfortunately, I caved and ended up sending them some messages because it was so abrupt. I don't want them to think I'm being led on. We still have some practical stuff to sort out, which means we have to communicate at some point. I just want to keep things civil. They've been pretty cruel to me in the past, but lately they've been in a better mood. So I told them I didn't feel like they were leading me on and that I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with them. My aim is to stay on good terms and be kind to each other, hoping they'll return my stuff without much drama. I let them know I'm focused on moving on and that I'm open to whatever kind of involvement they want in my life in the future. I was hurting so I did mention that I was glad they found someone new - I know I poked the bear. I didn't want to get into a lengthy discussion, but I also didn't want them to get the wrong impression of me. I still keep in touch with their kids, so it's easier if they are friendly.

I know I shouldn't have messaged back when they asked me not to, but it felt so weird to leave it hanging like that, considering I had been triggered by them a few days prior.

They said that this pattern of my behavior was a reason they broke up with me. They said they were very clear but I often ignored their requests or instructions. I don't have this problem with anyone else in my life. They would make an inflammatory anxiety-inducing statement like "I want to break up" "you make me want to die" and then IMMEDIATELY ask for space with no indication if/when we can discuss it whatsoever. It was so infuriating because I felt like they were essentially gagging me after dropping something really dramatic on my lap. I was often left angry, anxious and ashamed. It made me clingy and eventually it did become really hard to not message or say anything back.

Is this something you've encountered?

When someone upsets you or sends you unwanted messages, wouldn't you just block them or ignore/delete their messages altogether? Why would they go through the trouble of calling me up to say how it made them feel? They accuse me of bombarding them with my feelings via text, but I feel like by responding this way they are essentially doing the same thing to me.

Anyway, I'm going NC now, but I'm curious if anyone else has been through this because I feel like shit. Does this count as hoovering, even though they're not asking me to take them back?