Hello everyone, I am writing here because i am a bit desperate in how to handle things regarding this matter. Its gonna be a long text, so i thank everyone who takes the time to read and maybe answer if you are/have been in a similar situation :)

Me and my partner have been together for nearly two years, they have BPD and we opened up our relationship a bit less than one year ago. Since the same time we are in a long distance relationship, where we See each other ca once a month for a few days. I got to know about BPD at approximately the same time that we opened up and that we went into long distance, since the living surrounding of my partner worsened a lot in that time causing a BPD episode to start.

Currently we are on a contact-break for 3 weeks, in which we do not really talk or chat, to recover a bit from very intense last months. With BPD, this contact break helps me to gain a bit distance and also for my partner they hoped to find healing in being left on their own, which is a way they know how to heal. With open relationship instead, this contact-break just feels like shit tbh, bc i feel it makes our already bad communication around open relationship even worse.

To explain the context: we both wanted to open up the relationship, neither of us having any prior experiences (its their first open relationship and my first relationship). Currently, i have not really made any experiences yet, while my partner is since 5 months quite regularly meeting someone. I am currently (and i would say also since the last 4 months) at a point, where i want to go on a break with open relationship, because i feel i cannot continue it because it is not sustainable to me and corroding our relationship. Partly because of my own struggles with sexuality and a complicated history with it partly bc of how BPD and open relationship Intersect. I have asked for a temporal break in 3 months, which my partner has agreed upon, which just feels to late for me. I realistically need the break now. For my partner instead, open relationship is kind of a life saver at the minute, because it provides them an opportunity to be seen in their transness in a surrounding where it is hardly found in other places.

Open relationship has been a trigger topic for my partners BPD since day 1. I dont really remember a lot about the beginnings, but i remember that me talking about how i am struggling with open relationship has led my partner to intense selfhate and also self harm in some cases. 3 weeks ago we were in the situation that i was talking (on the phone) about my Feelings in open relationship and that i am just so exhausted and struggle so much. I asked them beforehand if it will be ok for me to talk about it, they said yes. After saying them, as a Response, My partner lashed out on me, telling me how i want to punish them by saying these things. I hung up and left the situation. Later the evening they told me they self harmed by cutting their legs open. (Which did not happen before, before they self harmed mostly by beating their hands or so). This is propably the example that is the most graphic for me and if i am honest it just makes me so angry that their only reaction in this moment to me talking about feelings that are really, really weighing down on me and exhausting me so much continously is to accuse me and to self harm. We cant properly talk about any ENM topics, bc it stirs up my Feelings so much (about myself, my past, and our current situation) and often triggers BPD Spikes in my partner. They have also used the freedom that open relationship gives to each other for self destruction (having sex with a friend of theirs that was in a monogamous relationship with another friend of theirs) which was such a breach of boundaries for me and just hurt a lot. Because it felt to me in this moment that the hard work of opening up a relationship is just worth nothing.

I am also quite tired, because i did make suggestions on what maybe could help me at the moment: reading stuff together, regularly finding time to discuss open relationship on a Personal but also political Level etc. It would give me security bc it would feel like we are doing this together. Right now it just feels like my partner is having sex with someone else and i know about it. I joined a BPD-partner selfhelp group and organised a couples counselling that is given out free of charge to queer struggling couples (which my partner is supportive of and joins) . But most of the time i suggest something they said they cant commit to this atm, or they agreed but never brought it up again. And i dont wanna be the one who always searches for solutions, bc this is what my role feels like for me in a lot of ways. This is Frustrating. I am so frustrated because my partner cant commit to the emotional work an open relationship needs bc they are so drained by BPD too but still want to continue this open relationship.

I dont know what to do, i cant learn how to have a relationship with someone who has BPD and learn how to open up a relationship at the same time, its simply so too much for me. I dont know how to do either and its just making me so exhausted and sad and also angry. I am so exhausted, i have no energy anymore and i just want to close this open relationship for a while and repair ours. I know, 3 months is not a long time, but i dont know if i can last through These 3 months. At the same time i have full understanding of how much my partner needs this open relationship to last through the 3 months until they move away from this City they currently are in ( we will then be in the same City again). And i want to support them and and i wish i could give it to them now but i know i cant right now. But i also have lost myself a lot in the last months in trying to "save" them from BPD, which i realised will just not work, and i dont want this to happen again with this topic.

I propably forgot to mention a lot, but this should describe the situation quite ok for now, so i hope its understandable.

Thanks for taking the time reading this and thanks for reaching out!