Do you remember that I was looking for hope? Well now I've lost it all. Spoiler, she was cheating on me.. It's a long story. I have known this girl for two years now. Not the best of relationships, always fighting, ups and downs. But the highs made me find the strength to fight for her. Right from the start I'm always the one who stands for her own. It's in my person, I don't trust anyone, I'm a vindictive being, I never said I was a saint and I kept her away. But in the end she approaches me because I see that she continues to struggle to get to know me and in the end I accept. Time 3 months she ghosts me without even giving me a way to know if she was alive or well. After months, I'm the one who finds her again. It wasn't even she who took the first step, but me. And finally returns to the attack. And I? And I fall worse than before. Because her disappearance creates psychological trauma in me to the point that I am afraid of abandonment, not having the possibility to contact a person I care about makes me anxious to the point of being physically ill. And for months I agonized over why she did it So this time, I'm the one who falls in love, I ignore my gut when sometimes her stories didn't make sense. I throw myself into it because I'm afraid of losing her again. So this time no defenses, no guards whatsoever. I give her everything and every day I fall more in love to the point that I am damn convinced that as I loved her, as I took care of her and I was there for her sacrificing sleep and work, no one will. I gave her everything, everything I was and could give, I pushed myself to the impossible. But the last two weeks, something changes. Her life becomes hell. I tried to be close to her in everything, I was there at all times. But I noticed that she was moving away. Immediately noticing the signal, I immediately ask her if there was something wrong, but nothing. Indeed, every time I showed her that I too needed reassurance, that she was there for me and it wasn't just me, every time I trusted her showing my weaknesses and my feelings, it ended in an argument. I did not understand. Because she took everything as an attack, I showed her my insecurities but it always became a way for her to use them against me, making me feel guilty for giving her more problems even though she had her own. So I try to do more, I try to study, join BPD groups, figure out how to deal with it, what to do and what not to. I waste nights doing everything and in the end it was never right. Then I too feel like detaching myself, to have a reaction to make her react. No, she could but I can't. Then she moved on to not giving a damn. From idolizing me to being disturbed only by my presence who, in any case, made sure she ate well, drank and fought to overcome the situation she was in. At one point, more than once I ask "is there anyone else?". Not because I doubted, I trusted because she hates traitors having suffered cheatings. She disgusts them and she every time "Of course not. There's only you." And I insist and insist but nothing, always no one but me. I then take matters into my own hands and tell her it's time to get over it because she is losing me and not fighting with me anymore to keep the relationship going. She admits that she has no energy for a relationship, when in any case I gave her space and time where I practically told her "I'll give you space, text me whenever you want" but in the end she never wanted to and so it was always me who worried. Last night I totally abandoned dignity and self-respect, for the first time I begged to a person. Please react to prove to us that we had been through a lot. Putting myself aside again. But that night she was more nervous than usual and then I found out why. To my question of Do you love me? She shut me up saying to leave her alone she couldn't deal with this right now. That evening that now has a completely different meaning. She treated me crap like the worst there could be. Always denying, always shutting me up. Killing me with every answer because they were never decisive answers but answers that give hope. And so I fight and fight and, today, after having humiliated myself again, after having been rejected after refusal but always uncertain, by pure CASE. I discover the truth. The bitch had been in a new relationship for two weeks. Couldn't she face me last night? Was she nervous? Because she had quarreled with the other. When did I find out? She continued to attack me and even blocked me. Treated like nothing as if there was nothing between us. Do you know what hurts? A threat was enough. A threat, and then she changed her tone, to finally admit things. Among her most famous phrases I say i love you to my dog too, it's different from the i am in love with you. WTF. Then the gem "you and I were moving away" and thanks to Peppa Pig, you treat me coldly and you walk away, what did you want? Adding more pain is her fear of me. Yes it's true I threatened her but it was a lie. I can ruin her life, I can destroy everything she has. But I'm dumb, because I can't. I could never hurt her and never have in all our time together. But she's scared, so who have I been with? She doesn't know me at all. "I don't feel your love" because you have no idea what it is. My every gesture, my every word, my always being there. It was love. I tried it on her every day. I got to write about her in my own short story and dammit the story I came up with is brilliant too. I've never written thinking of someone. And the other? The other enjoys it with "so I won huh? She loves me." And who is it? One she spoke badly of, one who has the worst reputation as a cheater. Someone who is already treating her superficially and like a trophy. And I? And I'm even more stupid because what do I do? I tell her how to treat her, I tell her to take care of her, not to mistake her for a game, I defend her when she treats her like a trophy. And to top it off, I gave her a chance. I told her that "I'm such a bitch that I'd even forgive you, leave her and choose me." And in the end, she didn't hesitate, she chose her. The excuses she's making me now, the sense of guilt? Bullshit because she's just afraid it might screw her up. I also told her that she has free chat with me for anything. And now I'm here checking and hoping for a message from her. But the truth is, she won't. They are the winners and I am the loser suffering like a dog. And I still love her. Why keep me? Why lie, I gave you a thousand chances, if you didn't want me why keep all this. Why give me hope. Why keep deluding myself. But the worst thing is... why her and not me? What did I do wrong, why not me... what's wrong with me..