I hadn't had sex in awhile. esp with someone I trust. I called my friend who lives out of state and proposed the idea. he (m47) agreed to my (mtf43) proposal. 7 days later I find myself naked in his bed. I felt validated. I felt euphoric. I felt so fucking happy and excited. I also felt absolutely fucking stupid. I knew what was coming. my drive home was roughly 4 hours and I cried all 4 hours. I thought about how amazing I felt and that it was over. I also thought about why would I let myself feel something that good when I knew it wouldn't last. I then started asking myself why the fuck or how the fuck do I fall that fast when someone looks at me, flirts w me or fucks me??? I know the underlying reason is bpd but I just don't get how I let it happen. I mean I do get it and I don't. this time it hurt more than any other event before. being trans has imo made my bpd more intense and so much more isolating. I just wanted sex. not sex and 3 sides of guilt and misery with an extra heap of suicidal thoughts. . usually I cry this much and this intense because of a fight with someone. this time I'm ugly sobbing everywhere cuz I was happy and can't forget how great it was and that it wouldn't last. fuck this shit. seriously fuck. this. shit