i’m not okay. i’m a mess. everything is falling apart and i can’t stop it. i can’t get out of this depression. it has a grip on me and i can’t break free. i sat all weekend frozen in anxiety. couldn’t move. just sat there and my brain just wouldn’t stop. i’m scared. i feel like i’ll never get better. i don’t know what to do anymore. i never had a depression stage last this long and it won’t go away and i’m so tired and i don’t know what to do anymore. i just want to be happy. i just want to feel what it’s like to be happy again. i’m afraid i’m going to be homeless. what if i can’t afford an apartment alone? what am i going to do? i love my bf still. i can’t lie about that. i just don’t understand what is wrong with me that i can’t be happy. i’m having panic attacks all the time. he keeps saying he’s leaving me and i break down. i hyperventilate and cry and he stays because he loves me. why can’t i let him? why can’t i just be happy? what’s wrong with me? i can’t do this alone. and i feel so alone right now. i’m in therapy twice a week now. i’m afraid to take the meds because i’m afraid it’s going to effect my sex drive even more. i don’t want that. i already don’t have one. i just sit day after day in anxiety and losing my mind. i can’t eat. i can’t sleep. i went 3 days without eating this week. everyone thinks i’m okay but i’m not and i’m scared that i’ll never get better. i don’t want to lose anthony but i am and it’s my fault because i can’t be happy. i sit and i’m thinking of all the things i want in life that i don’t have and i beat myself up over it because i don’t have it. i try and i fight and nothing is working and i’m scared that i’m never going to get better. he’s going to leave me and i can’t blame him. why would he stay? look at me. i’m a mess. i love him so much. i need him. even if he’s just sitting next to me playing his game, i just need him there. he keeps saying he’s going to leave and never does. probably because i cry and beg him not to. but then he just acts like everything is fine and it fucks my head up. is everything fine? is he mad? what if i say something to piss him off? don’t say anything. but you have to say something. just make small talk. say something. you can’t just sit there disassociated. i need help and i’m scared.