Hi all, I’m an active viewer and never thought I’d be a poster. However today was a lot and I need help to cope or idk what is going to happen to me and my brain.

A little back story, this is a lot so thanks for reading it all. I’m an American working abroad. I’m with a few of my coworkers and we made plans yesterday to bike into a city that’s close by. So today we meet up with another coworker who doesn’t feel the need to put in physical excursion when we can take a bus. I was a little irritated because I was really looking forward to biking the beautiful coast into the city and now we aren’t because of one persons desires. There was just something telling me that I should just get the bike and meet up with them, but I was telling myself that either way we will have a good time.

We get on the bus, that’s 20mins late (so I’m even more irritated because it’s only a 45min walk to the city). We all paid and I sit in the very back next to the window so I can at least enjoy the views. It was a quick ride to the city’s bus stations, maybe 10mins with some breathtaking views. This bus station is oddly designed and the bus has to go behind the station it’s self to park next to the station so it can just pull out when it’s ready to depart. It’s an alley that has restaurants connected to the station on the left and a brick wall to the right that is right on the sea. So great views I suppose. Well we pull behind the station and there are a bunch of tourists walking the alley and taking photos of the sea and the beautiful city against the wall. However our driver had no care in the world for these people and he continues to drive and only will briefly brake just in time for someone to get out of the way. He is so close to the wall that these people need to turn sideways so they don’t get hit. All of a sudden he goes to turn left into his parking spot and I hear the most terrifying scream I’ve ever heard. I look out my window and I see this woman get pinned between the wall and my bus. She was right against my window. I can feel her through this bus. I just start screaming at the driver and he’s at a complete stop now because everyone outside is also screaming at him. He’s now aware that he has pinned someone. I kept yelling for him to move forward, just go straight. He pulled backwards and started to squish her even more. I then stand up and start screaming for him to just let me off the bus, I can’t tolerate the idea of feeling her against the bus, seeing and hearing it all. So I just closed my eyes and covered my ears. He finally pulls forward after about 45 seconds of her being pinned, stands up all irritated and opened the doors. I walked off the bus and just ran away from the scene. I couldn’t turn around to see what she looked like or if she was even moving.

Everyone in my group is clearly distraught with what they just witnessed. We walked to some restaurant on the sea and they start to order drinks and I just said I can’t. I got up and just needed to walk and get lost in these streets.

I tried some mindfulness and breathing techniques on a bench overlooking the sea and I just couldn’t shake off what happened. Feeling completely trapped and useless is extremely triggering for me. I know I’m okay and accidents will happen but watching this woman right outside my window is something that is going to be burned in my head for a long time. I’ve been doing so well handling my BPD, this has been very triggering for me and I do not want to go backwards. Coping for me is be reclusive and stay in a depressive state.