Just to clarify, I don’t have a diagnosed paraphilic disorder. I’m 20, male and have covert BPD with antisocial/psychopathic traits and a tendency to mirror my covert NPD parents.

Originally I was diagnosed with CD/ASPD as an adolescent. To be fair, I was prescribed Lithium then and seemed very cold/robotic affect wise, but in light of my drug abuse being seen as self-harmy and my ✨issues with rage✨ not to mention impulsivity and other typical BPD symptoms (fear of abandonment, identity disturbance)

My fear of abandonment isn’t as strong as other people I know with BPD and I don’t self-harm in overt ways of course but the fear still exists and poor anger management and drug issues is a particularly shit combo, so I discard people and split on them pretty frequently, often in ways that have caused me major collateral damage to my social life and emotional well being.

It got to a point where I embraced the fact that I was hurting the people around me because it still made me feel some kind of connection even if it was abusive and antagonistic (not going into details, I don’t think it’s necessary).

Can anyone relate? Or do I sound like a delusional psycho? I know I do this to feel a connection and for that reason I thought it could be in some way BPD relatable, though I don’t appreciate our abusive homewrecker stigma, it just feels better knowing people get it and that we’re not always like that. With that being said though, it’s hard to overcome this almost primal urge to just ruin everything around me and just be a cynical fucking cunt. I know on some level I enjoy the chaos in my own life too, it helps me cope with the deep feelings of empty.