I don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships. It's the main reason why I decided to go to therapy because I realized that I essentially traumatized all of my past partners. I'm not physically or verbally abusive but I am very hot and cold. I pull back. I devalue my partner after a couple of months. Before, I didn't see anything wrong with my behavior because, in the end, everyone came back, even if they left me at some point I could count on them eventually coming back. So I figured I must be doing something right.

I figured out the people I tend to go for are people with issues similar to mine. People I can "fix." Never anyone stable. Never anyone who from the jump showed interest in me. I like people who play hard to get. Not completely unattainable but someone I have to work for. And if I win them over, it's like a high. But if I don't, I fixate on them for months and it's like an itch that won't go away, even if that person isn't exactly the best. After noticing this I immediately sought therapy and I am trying to improve. I have stopped seeking out relationships and honestly haven't been too social for the last couple of months. My friends have tried to set me up with their acquaintances and I end up ghosting them out of fear of becoming this super abusive and narcissistic person that I typically become after the honeymoon phase and idealization wears down. It's horrible because on one end I want to love and be loved. I miss being held and all that mushy stuff, but I just know I'm not in a place right now where I could be in a healthy relationship with somebody.