I go through phases where I'm so disinterested in my life, partner and the people around me. Bored. I feel empty. Or just an incredible deep sadness that I can't find the root of. Everything feels so forced. It can also feel overwhelming.. the lack of nothing. If that makes sense. I feel so tired all the time when I feel like I get enough sleep. I can recall when it gets really bad my thoughts go to the extreme real quick of hurting myself and just calling it day.

Of course there is the other extreme of feeling like on top of the world or just being more optimistic with the future. Although it feels like lately that phase fizzles out more quickly. Although therapy has helped a lot. This is still an on going issue I've experienced since High School as far as I can remember. My hair is thinning out, I don't put that much effort in my appearance and when I do I still feel unstatisfied with how I look or feel about myself. I'm just 23 but I feel so old.

I've always wanted to be like one of those girls with a pretty smile and that was effortlessly pretty. With a pretty face. With a good face structure. An interesting individual. I understand that a lot of the self hate I have for myself is up to myself to work on, but damn it is just hard to get up and make a change. Lately I feel like I can't enjoy sex because I think I'm gross to look at, like in my head I think of how disgusted I feel with myself then how can my partner possibly enjoy looking at me. I'm too in my head I can't enjoy things. There is never peace and quiet. I'm sorry this is all over the place. I didn't feel like talking to anyone personally about it. I just want an embrace that makes me feel something. Cause lately I feel nothing with everything.