I thought when I knew my condition by name that I would take some of the power back. I thought I would feel stronger and more capable. I thought when I moved away from friends and family that I would undoubtedly make new friends and this would be a fresh start. I thought I would stay in touch with those I literally grew up with.

I thought when I lost my job yet again, that I would pull myself back up. I thought that this just wasn't the right fit yet again and I could turn it around easily. I thought with all this time I could be productive and not give in to depression completely. I thought I would put down the substances I was so carelessly tied to.

I thought this time that I had met a FP that would be the piece of me I was missing. I thought if I was careful I could keep from falling too hard. I thought that because I cared so much that I could behave, keep symptoms at bay that I didn't even fully understand yet. I thought when I opened up it wouldn't be used against me. I thought after leaving me several times, that I would toughen up. I thought when you said I love you forever that meant you would be around forever. I thought when you told me how amazing I am that you wouldn't soon be telling me what a loser I am. I thought I would split this time and never look back.

I however never thought I could be wrong so many times.

Thank you so much for reading this, I'm so raw and alone right now and it had to come out. I have a small favor to ask of you, and I'm sorry if I'm over stepping my bounds but it's important. Hang in there with me ok? It's so tough to push forward but you and me? We got this. I'm so so so sorry for my use of the word thought in this as well, just had to write it how it was in my head. And feel free to comment if you want, don't let that comment bot tell you what to do