Im not diagnosed but I worry I might be because I found this subreddit and ever since y'all have named and expressed things I have felt my whole life. I need a little support and at least just feeling understood would help.

Im so done with people getting into my life, me putting on my best behavior, everything good I have to give in the table and that never being enough. I'm so done feeling used and insufficient, defective, unbearable, unlovable, twisted and dark and sad and pathetic. I just wish I could go to the shore that's nearby and drown. No questions asked. No one ever wondering about me again. No more pain, no more worries, no more anxiety and heavy days. I feel like a carry the weight of the world whenever I'm aware of my own existence.

I was meeting this guy long distance for a couple of months. Everything was great and he's all I've ever asked for. Maybe not everything because my perfect guy would never doubt having me. He's kind, smart, handsome, dominant, he gives the best advise and is funny and cute in a childish way sometimes. I could feel myself falling in love but I tried to pace myself because I usually go through what you guys talking about. Overvaluing a person above of myself and getting too attached to quick and becoming unstable because of them. I did my masterpiece. Never have I ever been so patient, so always kind and always there, so understanding... keeping the turmoil to myself.

He just told me he's "not ready for a relationship" after I have started to let my feelings loose and want him more and fall more in love.

I couldnt take the anxiety anymore and asked. Apparently he wants me to wait around. If god were to exist he'd know I can't. I can't take more rejection. Not from him. I've already asked this question. I've already been rejected once and it keeps circling my mind like torture.

I know this means I'm not the one.

I also know I gave too much too quick.

I don't know how to face the fact that nobody loves me just enough. I'm convenient because I give attention and warmth, they desire me and I'm hypersexual, I'm pretty, I work for my own. I'm smart and what else am I? Fucking unlovable. Not enough. Miserable. Increasingly toxic. Nearly suicidal. The sad girl. The crazy one.

Should I dissapear from everybody's life and just guard myself? Should I stop talking to him? Should I act like nothing's happened?