Black & White

Everything is black and white. It's this or that. Love or hate, anger or sadness, there is no in-between: only madness. I think it's only fitting, that they call it "splitting" because that's exactly how I feel, only one truth can be real. Everything is black and white. Except for the inner workings of my mind. If you only knew what's going on inside. If only I knew how long I have to be on this ride. Maybe I wouldn't want to die. Tell me how I feel everything so deeply, the words and actions of people are constantly seeping, into my mind and so I want it to stop. It's too much, my world goes fuzzy and my heart goes cold, my head is throbbing and I can't feel my toes. I can't feel anything now. Empty. The people I love are confused. I don't understand my own mind so what can I do. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I never stop being sorry. They say it's from trauma and being genetically predispositioned. From your environment, your childhood and did I forget to mention that 75% of us - are women. They say I see the world in black and white but ironically I feel I am made up of mostly grey area, searching for color and rainbows until I reach hysteria, but there's a hole in my mind that you cannot see; Everything I take in that is good for me- falls right back out and it's gone again, there is no filling this void- there is no end. So I am sorry to the people I love. The people that have been affected by me. I'm sorry for my black and white mentality. I feel things so deeply- my emotions overwhelm me. Is what I'm saying starting to sound contradictory? You see my emotions are so intense they cause dysfunction. I can't keep a job, relationships or keep plans for a luncheon. The hardest part is I don't know my identity, I feel so detached and seperate from well, Me. My mood and symptoms seem to change with the weather. It's scary... it's terrifying- But with lifelong therapy most of us do get better. For the people in my life that stay and support me, you patience and understanding I promise I see: Your belief in me helps me to continue to fight- for hopes that one day things won't be so black and white.

EDIT: Thank you kind stranger for the award it is not necessary but it's validating that this must have resognated with you on a level.

EDIT#2: It's sad that this is relatable for us but I also find comfort in knowing we are not alone in this fight. Thank you for hearing my words and finding validation or comfort in them. I love you all and wish us all better and brighter days.