It has been four months since my boyfriend's best friend left me due to me allegedly being a energy vampire and draining to be around due to my mental illness. I don't why but even before E ( I rather use this than her full name) left me I had issues with feeling like she's better than me and I am less than . She's pretty, she has a nice voice and is artist like me and super popular online . And I just look up to her so much even though I am not I singer I do illustrations even though my mental health has made it hard for me to work. And I just get so envious about how she has so many followers and I have nothing. I just can't stand her , I can't stand how she gets everything and everyone is so nice to her while she can say things behind my back about me . But on the other hand I have been low-key obsessed with her. E blocked me from talking to her, her sister or her boyfriend. So I have just been watching her Tik Toks not logged into my account. It hurts . I just dream of her every night ( or atleast someone that looks like her). And I just wish we can be friends, I wish I could fix myself . I just want to see her again. It all hurts . I just feel like I have no one and probably better off not here . Atleast I had weed , my cats and my boyfriend. But I hate missing her I hate her so much but love her in the same moment. Shit I've never even been diagnosed with BPD ( I'm currently in therapy after being out of therapy for 6 years) but I just wish these feeling could disappear.