This is a long one guys, and I'm not TLDR-ing it, as I'm bad with sumarization. Apologies!

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I am literrally the lowest I've ever been in my life. A few factors contribute to this, and I am honestly not sure I have the energy or want to try and fix it.

My son does not want to live with me, he'd rather be at his fathers where he has zero responsibility. What's worse is that he doesn't text me or call me, I have to basically force it on him. His father is worse, and does nothing to make sure he speaks to me or comes to see me, and he lives literally ONE block away.

I literally have zero income coming in right now, I was/am off on sick leave and my medical benefits ran out JUST in time for this whole fucking c-19 mess. I am waiting on social assistance to contact me back, I am waiting for the c-19 relief funds that the gov't are supplying. One I already do not qualify for because I was not employed prior.

My mother sold my car, when I thought she was helping me while I was sick with payments.

I have opted to disown my parents, because they've never been helpful towards me and my illness, and have always worked against me. They've never supported me and my mental health, and would always lord my mistakes and lifetime of fuck ups against me.

I have zero friends where I am currently living, only aquaintences, and it makes it really hard to come out of a funk and low point. I KNOW people, but it's mostly people that want to fuck me, people I have previously dated, or FWB peop.e.

The ONLY person I can count on here is my ex-boyfriend/FP who is both good and bad for me. But since he's laid off, he's informed me that he is going to see his son in another province. It is planned for a week, but it could be 3, who knows. And I'm having a seriously hard time with what I'm going to do while he's gone. I very seriously have no one else, and it may very well end badly. He's also my link to the drugs that I do, and I have no income to replenish before he goes, and it will likely lead to very bad withdrawal.

My FP has suggested that I return to my home province, but there is nothing for me there. I don't have parents, my sister lives in a small 1bed apartment with her BF, one of two of my best friends lives with his parents and no extra space, the second lives with her parents, my second family, and while I know that I am welcome, I'm not sure it would be good for my own mental health, because she suffers from BPD as well and has her own issues going on.

I was planning to leave the country to take some time to my self and think, and go to the ocean. I have a friend in Cali, and he's extended the invite. But the borders have now been shut down.

So, that leaves me alone. In my apartment, with my two cats. I don't have a car, and I feel hella trapped. I used to go for drives when I would have a panic attack, or was feeling down, because driving has always made me feel better. Now, I don't know what to do. I don't want to take a bus, for the logical health reasons, and I obviously don't want to be one of those people who ignores the self isolation/social distancing directive/suggestion, but I feel as though the longer I am alone in my apartment, more and more it sounds like a good idea to make bad choices and just end it all. I have never thought so seriously about any of this, and it's a bit unnerving even for me. But at this point, where I feel like I literally have nothing or anyone, it seems like it might be better for everyone to just forget I exist, because I just cause drama and bring everyone down around me. But I feel like I have zero right now to be happy for. I can't work, because my psych hasn't cleared me, I can't really go a day without some sort of episode, and I hate the fact that I'm literraly about to start being a drain on society because I am forced to go on social assistance because my psych refuses to sign my disabilty papers becase he "wants to see me go back to work". I'm not even entirely sure that's a good idea. What I REALLY need are CBT/DBT's but the wait list for programming here is up to two years long!

I just had to let that go, I'm honestly lost, and I'm not sure how to handle it all. I'm trying to take it one step at a time, but it seriously is hard to follow through with everything I need too, mostly becuase of the anxiety and my complete lack of care, and I doesn't help that I don't have anyone to help.

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/rant.