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cross posted from r/BorderlinePD
āā
i must be cursed to be polyamorous and also have borderline pd. itās truly the worst thing thatās ever happened to me
i have a current girlfriend of almost 2.5 years, and sheās not the problem. i feel entirely secure with her and i trust her with my life. i actually feel the love she feels for me.
the āproblemā is whenever a new person comes into my life. i want so badly to give my love to multiple people but my BPD always wins over, no matter what i do. the anxiety, the jealousy, and the possessiveness all comes rushing back, and recently itās been acting up again because iāve met someone again
these feelings arenāt directed towards my current girlfriend (letās call her R), but rather the new person. i share everything with R; my time, my food, my home, my life, even my friends, and i feel like i canāt have a relationship that she isnāt a part of. every time i meet someone new, she always ends up involved with them in some way, which inherently is not a problem but iām borderline so of course it has to cause trouble. i know itās the BPD causing me to be stingy and selfish like this, but i canāt help it. i just want one person to myself
this new person, K, and i met a month ago, and weāre already really close. iām trying so hard, to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion, to not let my BPD control my relationship with them but i can feel my control slipping and it scares me. iāve had FPs before and itās a miserable experience and iām trying to stay away from that kind of relationship, but every time R and K interact in certain ways im consumed with nauseating anxiety, jealousy, and sometimes even rage. i donāt want to feel this way, but i canāt stop these feelings.
R and K are touchy, affectionate, and cuddly. this doesnāt bother me. iāve discussed with them before which behaviors iām okay with and which make me uncomfortable, since iām romantically involved with both of them but they arenāt with each other. what gets to me is when K appears (note the word choice) to prefer R over me for whatever reason, whether itās to talk about a problem K is having or if they message R before me (or god forbid, doesnāt answer me at all). a few days ago K went to R because they werenāt feeling well and needed to talk about something important. when i found out i wasnāt the first choice to go to i spiraled. hard. i was numbed to hell for 2 hours and when i finally regained feeling i cried for nearly 45 minutes. something so small shouldnāt have affected me at all but it did, and i felt so guilty for it when i finally summoned the courage to talk to K about it. i felt so worthless and like they didnāt need me, and it took another 2.5 hours of reassurance for me to just barely start feeling okay again.
i donāt know how to handle this. iāve been in one other poly relationship with R and one other person and this new relationship just feels like one big repeat. i canāt do it again. i donāt know how to feel like iām important to someone if iām not consistently their first choice or their favorite companion. i want so badly to just have a normal, healthy polyamorous relationship but that clearly isnāt in the cards for me and iām scared iām going to chase this person away too
i donāt really know what i wanted from posting this but i needed to get it off my chest. advice, maybe? reassurance or sympathy?? i donāt know, whatever you have to offer. nobody in my life gets it, and i just want someone to understand how much iām hurting
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- 4 years ago
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