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BPD and polyamory
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cross posted from r/BorderlinePD

ā€”ā€”

i must be cursed to be polyamorous and also have borderline pd. itā€™s truly the worst thing thatā€™s ever happened to me

i have a current girlfriend of almost 2.5 years, and sheā€™s not the problem. i feel entirely secure with her and i trust her with my life. i actually feel the love she feels for me.

the ā€œproblemā€ is whenever a new person comes into my life. i want so badly to give my love to multiple people but my BPD always wins over, no matter what i do. the anxiety, the jealousy, and the possessiveness all comes rushing back, and recently itā€™s been acting up again because iā€™ve met someone again

these feelings arenā€™t directed towards my current girlfriend (letā€™s call her R), but rather the new person. i share everything with R; my time, my food, my home, my life, even my friends, and i feel like i canā€™t have a relationship that she isnā€™t a part of. every time i meet someone new, she always ends up involved with them in some way, which inherently is not a problem but iā€™m borderline so of course it has to cause trouble. i know itā€™s the BPD causing me to be stingy and selfish like this, but i canā€™t help it. i just want one person to myself

this new person, K, and i met a month ago, and weā€™re already really close. iā€™m trying so hard, to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion, to not let my BPD control my relationship with them but i can feel my control slipping and it scares me. iā€™ve had FPs before and itā€™s a miserable experience and iā€™m trying to stay away from that kind of relationship, but every time R and K interact in certain ways im consumed with nauseating anxiety, jealousy, and sometimes even rage. i donā€™t want to feel this way, but i canā€™t stop these feelings.

R and K are touchy, affectionate, and cuddly. this doesnā€™t bother me. iā€™ve discussed with them before which behaviors iā€™m okay with and which make me uncomfortable, since iā€™m romantically involved with both of them but they arenā€™t with each other. what gets to me is when K appears (note the word choice) to prefer R over me for whatever reason, whether itā€™s to talk about a problem K is having or if they message R before me (or god forbid, doesnā€™t answer me at all). a few days ago K went to R because they werenā€™t feeling well and needed to talk about something important. when i found out i wasnā€™t the first choice to go to i spiraled. hard. i was numbed to hell for 2 hours and when i finally regained feeling i cried for nearly 45 minutes. something so small shouldnā€™t have affected me at all but it did, and i felt so guilty for it when i finally summoned the courage to talk to K about it. i felt so worthless and like they didnā€™t need me, and it took another 2.5 hours of reassurance for me to just barely start feeling okay again.

i donā€™t know how to handle this. iā€™ve been in one other poly relationship with R and one other person and this new relationship just feels like one big repeat. i canā€™t do it again. i donā€™t know how to feel like iā€™m important to someone if iā€™m not consistently their first choice or their favorite companion. i want so badly to just have a normal, healthy polyamorous relationship but that clearly isnā€™t in the cards for me and iā€™m scared iā€™m going to chase this person away too

i donā€™t really know what i wanted from posting this but i needed to get it off my chest. advice, maybe? reassurance or sympathy?? i donā€™t know, whatever you have to offer. nobody in my life gets it, and i just want someone to understand how much iā€™m hurting

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4 years ago