Again, AGAIN - another relationship RUINED. All because of my inability to want to keep my exboyfriend/FP as ONLY a friend. He wants to take some time apart, for us to deal with our respective issues, mine being this stupid shit controlling me. But I NEED his help, and he's not willing or wanting to be that person.

I CAN'T. I am physically unable to be only friends with a man who meant so much to me, who told me first that he loved me, but somehow took it back later. I cannot be only a friend who someone who used to look into my eyes and caress my face telling me he loved me. HOW does he expect that of me? How does he expect me to be his friend and have me sit idly by while he fixes himself, and MAYBE there's a chance for something in the future. It's like dangling a carrot - it's torture.

I get he's doing this to protect me, or so he claims, because he doesn't want to hurt me more, but how can he expect that I can just give up every feeling I have for him, and pretend it was nothing?

I'd rather go on and have no one in this city like before, than him. But I need him.

FUCK THIS SHIT. I FUCK EVERYTHING UP - ALWAYS. I'm too needy, I'm too paranoid, I'm just FUCKED. Can someone just cut out my heart so I dont feel anymore? I can't find my switch to flip anymore.

He fucking tore down every wall I ever had and left me with nothing. NOTHING. Pretty sure he took my switch too.

I literally just to scream, and kick, and punch, and cry, pull my hair out.

I was having a genuinely good day. The first one I have had in WEEKS - and he robbed me of that.

If you need me, i'll be digging a hole in the field across the road to lay down and cry in...